Life Begins

It serves me right for opening my Christmas present early... a book from my biological mother called "Life Begins... It's Never Too Late to Start Again."

It's about a 40 year old woman who just got divorced, can't move house, has trouble with her 12 year old son and her friend's husband has tried to crack on to her.

Really, I can't imagine why she'd send it to me! I'm approaching 40, just went through a breakup, have a 12 year old dog who's had health issues this year, am ready to move. The only part missing is the friend's husband but I'm sure I can work on that. Perhaps she thought I could relate!

Luckily my instinct was to laugh because otherwise I'm stumped. Also, this is the person who told me I'd "filled out" on my 38th birthday. Always a good idea to tell a woman (in her late thirties) that she's gained weight and what better day to do it than on her birthday!

Not surprisingly the book (because of course I had to inflict it on myself) was absolute rubbish. The woman ends up meeting a new man so of course all is well with the world. She has no career, lives her life through her child, is completely unaware of her beauty and is unable to take care of herself.

Such a shame - I think it could have made a great comedy.

The title made me laugh anyway.

So Very Venice

I've lived in Venice now for many years and have seen many changes during that time. From the days when things were a little bit rough, Venice is now quite the happening place, million dollar houses, lots of families and lots of new expensive shops and restaurants. Apparently no one told the residents of Venice about this recession we're supposedly in.

Last night I met a friend for dinner at the latest restaurant on Abbot Kinney, the local (and extremely popular) street in Venice. The newest addition is called AK; I can't imagine where the inspiration for the name came from - they must have struggled for hours. Architecturally it was good, the bar was nice, the ambiance (and the bartender) welcoming. It was a dark, wet, cold evening in Venice, not a regular occurrence in this area and so I had expected empty tables. Apparently not.

Without a reservation we could sit at the bar. I like eating at bars so that was fine. My friend was delayed (in wet weather people here go into shock at the sight of rain) so I ordered a glass of wine and read the menu. Challenging. Since becoming a faux new age Californian I've stopped eating meat so that wiped out three quarters of the options. There were mussels (with duck sausage,) a few fish options (at great expense $31 for an entree) and so it was the small plates I looked at. Even employing the approach of "If I could have anything what would I have?" I still struggled.

By this time my friend had arrived and we were busy catching up. We both ordered onion soup which came with a brie crouton. That was fine, nothing too exciting but nice. We then split what was supposed to be an artichoke salad with the artichoke prepared three ways. It was perhaps the most dismal salad I've ever seen and the artichoke was barely edible. For $15 it was an outrageous rip off and we ended up with a bill for $84. Luckily the wine was good or the entire experience would have been a complete waste but the conversation was good (although after one glass of wine I started rambling and it's apparent I can no longer hold my alcohol.)

All in all the evening was a total rip off but fun was had and I won't be rushing back to AK. I proceeded to come home, get into bed and watch Sex and the City (my four new friends) and eat a bowl of muesli. Now that's what I call fun these days!

Cold but good

Definitely a better day.

Yesterday I was so cold and miserable that in the end I gave up and got into bed with a hot water bottle at about 6pm. I have to laugh at myself - for someone who says "What Would Catherine Deneuve Do?" instead of "What Would Jesus Do?" my style is sadly lacking at the moment. At least I was wearing a cashmere scarf with my dressing gown and old man slippers but still, there are too many times at the moment when I'm glad no one can see me.

Today though, a huge improvement as I almost bounced out of bed at 6:30(am that is) and fed the Pig. I've been very productive, invoiced wfm, collected mail, set up a facebook page for my toys and generally did things I've been putting off. It's still very cold though and for one who claims they're going to live in France (with a sexy Frenchman I'm yet to meet) this could be a challenge.

I do maintain that the buildings in California are about as useful as cardboard boxes. It's for the earthquakes so I'm told but really I think the building quality is just crap. The shoebox I currently live in has no insulation, windows which don't close and one gas wall heater which heats up the ceiling beautifully. It's really quite joyous which is why the hot water bottle is currently my best friend. That and the toasty warm Pig who is sleeping on the bed again - hurray for a fat, furry dog.

As it's now 5pm and getting dark (it would be dark by 3pm in Paris I suppose) I'm thinking about wrapping things up work-wise. More challenges tomorrow as I continue to try and tie up more of the loose ends but at the rate I'm going I may even do my accounting before Christmas - does the excitement never end?

Rain

It's been raining all night and I'm been awake for most of it. Too much wine last night, meeting a man who had found me attractive (who left the scene very quickly so perhaps not taken with my personality,) reading a soppy book and so this morning, I cried a little. I know it's the alcohol in my body, I know it's the sound of the rain pouring relentlessly and I know it's the impending festive season but it didn't stop me from having a sad moment which isn't quite over. Memories are with me and it's going to take a monumental effort this morning to drag myself up and out of a potential place of almost self-inflicted misery.

Rationally I know it's mostly the booze talking, that the man wasn't interesting to me (I was bored very quickly) and that I just want to get through the next few weeks. Start a new year and hope it's somewhat better than this year. I've had enough challenges for a while. I'm ready for some good news, some fun and a few laughs but this morning, they're alluding me.

Now I face a day at home, work for money seems to have stopped and with this being the last full week before Christmas I doubt there's much work on the horizon. Perhaps hibernation might be an option. At this point I wouldn't mind hibernating for the next nine months as apparently things will be better by next September...

Faux New Age Californian

Having lived in Los Angeles for more years than I can poke a stick at, I have finally given up the fight and embraced the pseudo new age lifestyle which is so popular here. I no longer eat meat (but I do eat seafood and animal products,) I am switching from cow to goat as I hear goats refuse to be factory farmed (and I do love a stubborn animal) but I'm a total hypocrite as I sit here wearing leather and wool and I own a delicious sheepskin jacket which I affectionately call Lambikin. (I have a habit of naming my favourite clothes but that might make me sound insane.)

To continue on with my New Age approach I'm into astrology (mostly looking for answers or to have hope after a fairly crap year) and my most recent foray - a visit to an astrological life coach!

The life coach told me (reading from my chart of course) that I would marry twice, the first marriage would be an illusion but the second marriage would be lasting. That's great news because I married in Vegas at the age of 25 and was married for 6 months. Mostly for immigration reasons (which then weren't fulfilled) and the whole thing was a joke. Apparently I will be marrying an adventurer so that's very exciting. I like a bit of adventure!

Other things - I'll be moving in the next year within Los Angeles but it will be my last move alone. There'll be a big legal contract next year which will be great, 40 will be fabulous for me (excellent news because 38 and 39 have hardly been spectacular) but most surprising, by 44 I'll be famous. Indeed I have no idea how that's going to happen and quite frankly it's never been something I've sought but I'm very excited because I'm hopeful one can't be famous and poor at the same time.

I told my skeptical mother who said she rather fancied being the mother of someone famous so that settles it then. No pressure of course!

Howling at the moon

It's a crazy full moon tomorrow. There's all sorts of stuff which is supposed to be happening (I read a lot of horoscopes) but so far things continue to be good.

WFM has slowed down which is a shame as I've been enjoying the prospect of money in the bank but I'm sure there will be other things coming up. Perhaps I was a bit too fast in telling C I no longer wanted his guilt money. Ah well, it was a false sense of security and who really wants money from a man who no longer wants to be with you? Pride doesn't pay the bills I know, but when money is attached to someone who lied to you and cheated on you, then pride goes a hell of a long way in regaining one's self esteem.

Bitter? No. Angry? Indeed and it's about time. Victim no more. I am sad that our relationship ended the way it did. I'm sad I had to find out about the lies from someone else but do I wish for the past? No.

On an incredibly positive note, I'm heading back to the UK for New Year. I'm very excited to start a new tradition... fun at the holidays. C was a big scrooge - there's nothing like a tight millionaire who decides that we'll have a $25 gift limit to take the fun out of things! Unfair of me, I know. There were other gifts through the year but sometimes it's nice to jump on the commercial bandwagon and actually enjoy Christmas. I certainly plan to this year.

So two weeks until I leave. There's a lot to be done even without Work For Money. I have loose ends to tie up. I want to start 2009 with a spring my step, money in my pocket and a fat, curly dog on the end of a lead. So far we're on track for all three but this year still may have a surprise or two up its sleeve.

December

I've been working for money lately (WFM as I like to refer it) and things are better... financially although I'm still on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I will be really glad when Christmas is over, this year is over and I can think of 2009 as a fresh start.

I'm not really in the mood to write but have to say that I'm surviving, I'm proud of what I've accomplished and while I may have lost a man I loved, I've gained a family, I've realised who my true friends are (all two of them!) and my dog has returned from the grave, now with extra fur!

Funnily enough Pig has been taking hormones for her condition. At first all her fur fell out and I was faced with an almost bald Pig who was also about to lose an eye due to a corneal ulcer. A long boring story which involves Pig wearing a cone on her head for two months during which time I was given the choice between a $4000 cornea surgery to repair the eye or a $2000 surgery to remove the eye. Hmmm, now that's a choice. I decided to let nature take its course. I gave Pig the options (I did actually sit down and attempt to discuss it with her although she didn't appear to be listening and I knew I was crossing that very fine line between sanity and the other place) but amazingly, Pig started to heal and the insanely-expensive eye vet has now declared the ulcer healed. Pig will now have a cloudy patch on her eye and her vision is compromised but you'd never know it as she is back on form, throwing balls at me and barking her way around the neighbourhood. Not bad for a dog who I thought was on her last legs. Oh, and the extra fur bit - seems like Pig is now sporting a curly perm. She grew an entire new coat in a day (I'm not joking) and it's thick, lush, curly and very, very ginger. But she's lovely and she's started sleeping on the bed again so after months of separate beds, Pig and I have fallen in love again. It's nice to have her back.

Back in New York

Well, New Jersey to be honest. I'm tired though after taking a red eye last night and I'm feeling a little fragile emotionally. I know I need to stop thinking about C. I know I need to stop missing him, missing what I thought we had and try and move on with my life but it's so hard.

I know he won't be back, our relationship was too damaged by the time he finally met someone else but I'm in so much pain, constantly looking back instead of looking forward. I know all the logical, rational thoughts. I know he was never going to commit to me, that our relationship was stagnant, that I wanted more, that I was frustrated and yet I took the smaller and smaller crumbs he tossed my own until now, there's nothing and I'm hurting.

It's almost a month since we spoke. The longest time in the past six years that I haven't had contact and I feel as though I've lost a limb. I suppose if I'm honest, I've lost a crutch because I leaned on him so heavily. I agonize over my loss everyday and wish I could have done something differently, wish that I could go back but then I wonder, was it all really me? Does his past behaviour indicate how he'll be in the future and I think it will.

Throughout C's past he has moved or run away when things have got too hard. And whatever relationship he's been in has been severed, conveniently by the move. If I'm rational about it, his decision to buy the house in Key West was his decision to end the relationship. He claimed I pushed and pushed him until he jumped but the reality, he created a situation so intolerable, I had no alternative.

So why now am I sitting here feeling destroyed? The simple reason is that I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I ask myself the question, where do I want to live? and I can't answer.

I know I want to share my life with someone. I know I want to love again and learn from my mistakes. I know I want success in my career and I know I want money. I want to make my own money and be financially secure.

I am trying to follow the law of attraction. Ask - Believe - Receive but I'm having a hard time believing. What makes me feel I'm not worthy? I have no idea... yet. I have decided that I can't be with anyone until I can answer the questions for myself - what do I want, where do I want to live and what do I want to do? Until then, I think I'm going to be alone, working things out slowly.

Focus on money

Since C and I officially went our separate ways I have had to face the reality of money or to be honest, a complete lack of it. C was helping me for a long time while I focused on setting up my product line (which can't support me at the moment.) I counted up everything I had, counted it again and panicked! Seriously panicked. If I ate nothing, paid the bills, fed Pig and never went out I figured I could survive for six months assuming I couldn't get any work.

Then I added up everything I had again and realised that I'd been a bit optimistic and that realistically (given Pig's medical bills) that I was looking at about 4 months. I panicked again and kept panicking for a while.

My friend kindly offered me her spare room if things got so bad I was evicted. At the age of 39 it's hard to imagine having to move into someone's spare room or having to move in with my parents. Yikes!

It was time to send out some resumes and start asking people for help. One thing I've learned this year is that I can't do this on my own. In the past I've soldiered on, me against the world fighting to survive. Well not anymore. Now I ask for help. I've emailed friends, colleagues and clients asking for work or to keep me in mind. Begging but trying not to appear desperate as that always has the kiss of death.

So this week I had an interview and a positive response. I've swallowed my pride and I'm starting again because pride does not pay the bills. The interview went well and they want me to do some freelance work to see how things go. That's encouraging and I am trying not to count my chickens. I also picked up a small freelance project doing some work for friends so it's one day at a cheery time.

I'm off to New York this week for a meeting with a publisher but the fact is that my product line is going to be a part time thing after this week as Pig needs to have her medication and weekly vet bills paid for, and I might need to eat occasionally!

Public Transport LA Style

It's true what they say about LA - there is no public transport. That is unless you brave the Metro which is precisely what I did tonight. I live in Venice and was going downtown with a friend to the Artwalk. Her suggestion - let's take the Metro. I was game so off we went.

Except I left my house at 3:30pm, drove to her house 15 minutes away. Then we drove from her house to the Metro station (probably another 10 minutes,) parked the car and eventually managed to buy tickets (a very confusing system.) Then on one train (the green line) then changed to the blue line then changed to the red line. We finally made it to downtown an hour and a half later. Funnily enough the drive from Venice on one freeway takes between 20 and 30 minutes but then you have the cost of petrol and parking compared to the $5 it cost for the Metro.

And we did see a blind man take his glass eye out which you don't get in your car. I loved his wit but then he started begging for money and the moment was gone.

The art (of course) was self indulgent and very dubious but we found a nice bistro and enjoyed a glass of wine and slivers of cheese. We talked about recent emotional events (we have a lot in common) and after a surprisingly pleasant evening, we took the Metro back to her car, it was quicker on the way back, only an hour and so by 9:30 I was home, feeding my Pig and getting ready for bed (I tend to keep East Coast hours and was up at 5:30 this morning.)

All in all, I'm surviving. It's still one day at a time but with each day that passes I feel more resolved that this is the right thing, that C and I could not be together and while I fantasize about him coming back and admitting his mistake, I constantly repeat my new mantra - based on what I now know, would I want him back? My answer - NO!!

On another topic, I'm heading back to NY for a meeting on October 22nd. I have a lot to do (like reinvent my brand again) but I've made some excellent progress this week including a rewritten manuscript for a story about C and his dog. It's an incredibly moving story, I sobbed as I wrote it and I can't be trusted not to reread it just for a bit of self inflicted misery! Seriously, it's that good (but then I'm biased.) Originally I was writing it as my farewell to C and to be honest, there's part of me that hopes it will make him realise what he's lost. Of course I hope that, I'm only human but I'm also very proud of this story - I've rewritten it five times in the past few weeks and I've channeled my pain into it.

And so to bed. Pig is stretched out on the floor exuding a lovely old doggy smell which I'm sure would put off potential suitors if there were any (quel surprise, there aren't) but I'm ready to sleep and I think that might even be on the cards tonight!

Everything happens for a reason

I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since C called me. From disbelief, great sadness, heartache, physical pain and nausea, unable to sleep, unable to eat. I've found out things about our relationship which have threatened to spoil the memories of what we had and today has been no exception, another difficult day with pain and heartache except that I think, I hope that I'm starting to change.

I went for a bike ride this evening and looked at the ocean. I locked my bike and walked down to the water. I cried for what we had and what we have lost but then I realised that C had come into my life for a reason and while I may be the latest casualty in a long line of women who have tried to love him, I am stronger for the life I have shared with him.

Everything points to my work. C came into my life to encourage me to change, to see the possibilities and to have the confidence and drive to follow my dream. Everything that has happened in the last year has pointed to the fact that I need to be doing this.

I tried getting a job, and I was fired. When I went away sailing with C, I knew I had to be doing my own work, that I needed my own passion. C has had his business, he's succeeded in that and he's earned his freedom. I'm yet to do that.

While the pain is certainly not over and I am still hurting, I am trying to see this from a different perspective. I came into C's life to help him through his divorce so maybe he came into my life to help me find my direction. I am starting to understand that this is the feeling of gratitude I was meant to feel when I spoke to the astrologist last year. She said to me that I needed to approach my relationship from a place of gratitude and maybe, I'm finally starting to understand that.

I've learned a lot in the last year. I resolved the issues I had with my family and I'm starting to rebuild my sense of self. It's been a difficult year as I haven't embraced the change up until now because it's been painful and my fear of the unknown has been terrifying but hopefully I'm starting to see that all these things are happening because I need to change. To stop making the same mistakes and to finally change my patterns.

A Revelation (to me at least)

The past couple of days have been a huge revelation as I have come to think that I am codependent. This is a summary as I'm trying to get my thoughts straight...

Last week my six year relationship ended. It had been dying for a while but my boyfriend called me and told me he had met someone else. I had been hanging on for months hoping we could resolve things and find our way through a hard time.

On the surface he's the perfect man. Tall, rich and incredibly good looking and we were very compatible. I thought we would be together forever and I've been struggling through the pain. Yesterday I found a book called "Men Who Can't Love" and read it from cover to cover. I realized that my partner was commitmentphobic.

We met when he was going through a very bad divorce and I allowed myself to get drawn into his situation. I took on a lot of the divorce, I even helped him with the paperwork. After the divorce things were better. We traveled a lot and I put my career on hold, left my dog with friends for long periods of time in order to be able to travel extensively and generally lost my sense of self. I stopped working and allowed him to support me which made me totally dependent on him. He convinced me it was something I wanted as I hadn't been happy doing the work I was doing.

About three years ago I left him and came home. I collected my dog and started working in a new field. A couple of months later he followed me back and we stayed together.

We started spending more time apart, traveling separately but I was doing everything I could to regain my independence - as I believed it would bring him back to me and everything would be ok again. Things finally came to a head earlier this year when he bought a house on the other side of the country from where we live. He told me it was a holiday home for his family and I tried to believe it but eventually he went there and I stayed at home working.

We stayed in contact and I did everything to try and reconcile with him. I told him I loved him and wanted to work through this. I took all the blame, it was my fault things had gone wrong.

Three weeks ago we were still talking about getting together to talk about our future. Then a week ago he called me and told me he'd met someone else. I asked if there was anything I could do or say and he said no.

I have cut all contact, deleted numbers, emails and removed belongings so I feel I've done something right but it is very painful. It's a week tomorrow since he called and I haven't made any attempt to contact him. I've stayed off his blog.

Last night I found a journal I'd kept when we first met. Back then I knew things were wrong and I was going to end the relationship after a couple of months - I had recognized the signs. It's SIX years later and the relationship only ended a week ago. What happened?

I suppose what I'm left with is the feeling that if he has a fear of commitment and I'm codependent, I made so many compromises to make it work that I would have done anything to be with him.

I do not ever want this to happen again. I've had issues in the past and I lose my sense of self completely, I thought he was more important than me and I allowed myself to become a victim.

So now I have a challenge on my hands. It's too late for C and I, he's gone and if I'm a rational, he was never going to make a commitment to me, he couldn't tell me he loved me and I was desperately trying to hold on to him. I should have let him go a long time ago or never made the compromises in the first place. Hindsight hey?

I suppose at least I'm having a wake-up call now so I can do something about it. Better late than never I hope.

Learning from my mistakes

Last night I was started reading a book called "Men Who Can't Love." It is like reading about my relationship with C from confused start to bitter end. It is clear that he has commitment-issues and the lessons I'm learning will be ones to stay with me going into the future.

The other thing I found last night was a journal from the first few months C and I were together. I'm absolutely shocked reading it at how I let him treat me, how manic it all was. I constantly describe it as an emotional rollercoaster and what's really telling, I wanted to end things within two months of meeting him. Oh baby trust your instincts from now on. Don't allow someone to take over your life and always, retain your self of self.

At some point I might add those journal entries here so that I have them in a place where I can find them easily. I promise this to myself - I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way I was treated again.

I helped C through his divorce when we first met. He was in a terrible state and was also leaving his job as the company had been sold. Don't get me wrong, he owned the company and had made a lot of money. His ex-wife knew how to hurt him and was going for the money and he couldn't bear the thought of losing it. He was unreliable, drinking excessively, and behaving like a wounded animal.

I think I did a great job of helping him heal. He's in a much better place today than he was six years ago and in the process I put a lot of my own wants, needs and desires on hold. He has moved on, met someone else and perhaps this will be a good relationship for him now as I have helped him so much. But so what? Now my focus has to be me and as I move on from this, I take pride in my resilience and know that I WILL be ok. I have a long way to go and I still feel sick about things (physically nauseous when I think about him with someone else because I do still love him) but he was never going to commit to me in any way, he couldn't say he loved me and after six years, that's very sad.

It may take a while before I meet someone I'm attracted to. C is a very good looking man and a hard act to follow from a material standpoint. He's 6'4", blue eyes, tanned skin, salt and pepper hair. He has a boat, a collection of exotic cars, a house in Florida and a lot of money.

And I never have felt SO POOR as during the years I've been with him. He is so tight with his money unless it's something he wants for himself. During the 6 years we spent together I lived at the same level I had prior to meeting him, I still drive the same salvaged Beetle I drove when we met (he owns three cars worth over $100,000 each). While I may sound like a gold digger what I'm trying to say is that he never treated me as an equal. It wasn't that I wanted him to buy me a new car or a house but I wanted us to be a partnership, that he would want to treat me the way that he treated himself and that he would love me so much he would want to share his possessions.

This is such a good lesson that if I don't learn from this, if I make the same mistakes again then I get what I truly deserve. My promise to myself - don't ever let this happen again.

My love to me.

And so it goes on...

I'm focusing on staying busy (or at least trying to) but the nights are bad. As soon as my head hits the pillow I hear C's voice repeating his news. I run over things again and again, how could I have been different? why didn't it work? why didn't he want to try again? but there's no answer and no solution.

The pain is back and it's bad. I try not to cry outside the house and I'm doing a fair job of getting by but it hurts and I worry that there won't be anyone else I love.

I feel so empty inside.

the end and the beginning

After six months apart, C rang me yesterday and told me that he has met someone else. A week ago. Twelve days ago we were still talking about reaching a resolution (and in my mind, a reconciliation) so it came as a shock that after a week, he's decided that's it. I asked if there was anything I could do or say and he said no. I said I'd hoped we would find our way back to each other, that we could have sat down and talked things through but when it comes down to it, that's the end and there's nothing more to say.

I've moved (or am trying to move) into self-preservation. No contact whatsoever including blogs, email, skype and so on. It's over and the sooner I can draw a line under it and move on, the better.

I'm hopeful that what I went through earlier in the year will help me through this step. I've already been through the break up and the pain, I just hadn't wanted to accept it as final. Now it is.

I am concerned about my financial stability but I am so committed to continuing with my work. My first toys are in the stores, I'm working like mad to get more products developed, I'm updating the website constantly and talking to PR firms. I'm buggered if the fact that C is about to pull the plug on me financially will cause my work to stop or even fail. And what's more, I've written my bio for five years from now and I've added an addendum that I paid C $50,000 for his contribution to my business. That is what I want to be able to do and from a place where it's easy, I'll have so much money that $50K will be small change!

Oh, fantasy become a reality!

it's been a while

It would appear I've come a long way in two months. From the darkest depths of despair to a new frame of mind. June and July saw me working like a mad woman to develop new product concepts, new books and toys and refusing to give up. I read a Tony Robbins book (Awaken the Giant Within) and it gave me the push I needed despite having skepticism. I stopped worrying about what C was doing, after all, he'd decided to go to Florida and get on with his life. I had a meeting in London in July and meetings in New York at the beginning of August and finally, finally, finally my toys are going to be released in October. I pitched new concepts successfully and things are starting to move for my company.

I started designing animal characters, writing children's books and developing a brand of children's products in 2006. It's been a slow process and only made possible by both financial and emotional support from C. I now have toys (which I designed) being released by FAO Schwartz and going into Macy's.

There have been a lot of highs and lows over the past two months but I am committed to positive thinking. I will not ever be as depressed as I was earlier this year. I have made that decision and that choice. And I will not allow myself to be affected by others' negative comments.

Self indulgent drama queen

I've realised that one of my favourite bloggers is, in fact, a self-indulgent drama queen.

I followed her story through infertility, problems in her relationship, her terribly traumatic birth story which went on and on, her longed-for daughter not fulfilling her dreams, ongoing sleep stories about the baby not sleeping and now finally, the break up of her relationship which promises to keep her going for a long time to come.

I read the blog post and wondered how her partner felt. She got the baby she'd wanted, she'd moaned continually for a year and I assume the poor man had had enough.

I feel there is a lesson in this for me. I have been self-indulgent in my misery. My relationship issues, my unemployment, the health problems of the pig; it's all been fodder for my own personal dramas. I feel there's a tiny chink of light at the end of what has felt like a very long, dark tunnel. The last few months have been one of the worst periods of depression I've been through and I feel I am slowly and very cautiously starting to poke my head out of my shell. As one horoscope said "You're not out of the woods yet" true, but there's nothing wrong with a tentative, hesitant baby step out into the world.

I have withdrawn from almost everyone during this time. I have been in seclusion and while it may seem extreme it's been the right thing to do. I needed to stop talking to people who weren't supportive about my personal life. My family has stood by me and I feel a closeness to them which wasn't there before.

Today I decided to give myself six months in which to make a move out of Los Angeles. I've been struggling to know where to go but the reality is if I want to leave then I need to make that decision and if I can't make the decision then the problem is me.

Enough

In the past week I've started to emerge from this period of darkness. I told C that I loved him, that I wanted to be in his life and I wanted to go to Key West. I asked him to tell me what he wanted and I said that I wasn't even sure if I was welcome in Key West.

There was a pause and he said very quietly, "You are."

From a man who is completely unable to express his feelings, this was quite big.

However, in the following conversations, he made it very clear that he is incredibly stressed in Key West, he can't get a construction schedule, he needs to come to LA and he would prefer if I could hold off going to Key West.

This is classic C. He does what he wants to and so I told him.

As I am in a new phase, the "I'm taking control of my life" phase, I want answers. I've asked him what he wants. I told him I wouldn't make him out to be a bad guy, I would just be really, really sad that we couldn't make our lives work together.

To be honest I'm sick of being in limbo, I'm tired of having an unresolved situation and I want to get on with my life. I'm open to moving forward but if that's not an option then I need to know.

In the meantime I'm organizing my websites, I'm sending out submission packages and I need to write an exciting new resume. I dislike resume writing intensely but it's a necessary evil.

On a positive note, Pig has had a haircut and it seems to have given her a whole new lease of life. From being at death's door a few months ago, she seems to be back to her normal, lively self. The patch of stubble on her back is now blended into her shorter fur... only problem is, she's now sporting a little back mullet!

Grammar in any language

The past few days have been spent in a classroom, but this time in English. If I thought it was going to be easier than Spanish, I was sadly mistaken. Language skills indeed. I've just finished 20 hours of a TEFL course (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) and it turns out I have to learn it before I can teach it! Hopefully once I get English grammar sorted out, Spanish will become a little less confusing. I have my fingers crossed (in Spanish of course).

I really don't know grammar, English or Spanish and I really don't like it. I love language and pronunciation but not rigid grammar structures so this course has been challenging. The teaching aspect was interesting and I realised that the Spanish teachers I've had haven't been very creative.

The most interesting part of the course was coming up with new ways to communicate and teach. There are several approaches and I instantly gravitated towards creative teaching through activities and games. It was interesting and (after I finish the online grammar section of the course) it opens up new opportunities to travel and work.

Only 20 hours of grammar to go!

I'm planning my next reconnaissance mission... more to come soon.

Progress

I've been back in LA since Monday and so far I've avoided the night panic, the feeling of loss, hopelessness and despair which had plagued me previously.

C and I continue to talk almost daily but for the time being I'm stepping back and getting on with my life. I had some ideas while I was in Guatemala. Ideas about where to go and what to do. There's no reason for me to stay in LA,. I realised that as I was able to do business easily from Guatemala.

The only restriction (for the moment) is Pig. She has ups and downs and my vet said he would be hesitant to fly her because of her nervous disposition. So it looks like we're driving. Pity about the price of petrol but there you have it. I quite fancy the idea of a road trip with the Pig. An adventure, a voyage of discovery.

And so to California

My last day in Antigua. I went shopping and was surprisingly restrained.

Textura didn't have a queen size bedcover in the fabric I wanted, nor did they have enough fabric available to make one. Just as well as the fabric by the yard was really expensive ($30 a yard). I thought and thought about it, went away, came back and finally decided to resist buying the three yards they had. I'm still thinking about it though, it was gorgeous.

I had lunch with a couple of people I'd met at my hotel, a mother and daughter in Antigua for a large wedding at the lovely hotel Santo Domingo. After lunch I ran into the two girls I met at Lake Atitlan. They had complained to their tour organiser who apparently had responded by shouting and swearing at them in English. They'd been shocked by his attitude but at least we were able to laugh about it.

Getting up at 3:45am was hard especially as I'd woken every hour to see what the time was. The shuttle was due at 4:30am but I'd been warned to be ready by 4am. Just as well, for the first time ever the driver was early. We sped off in the dark to Guatemala City. It was dark, a faint smell of burning wood, the others slept. I reflected on my time in Guatemala.

Two weeks has seemed like forever in some respects. I feel quite proud as I've accomplished everything I wanted to do and I've had a lot of time to think. I met some fantastic people. I may never see them again or perhaps we'll cross paths in some distant location. I realised that the world is a big place and there's so much more to explore.

Returning to Los Angeles was a dose of reality. I was questioned by the customs officer in English and (after I mentioned I'd been studying) in Spanish and, I can assure you, he wasn't being friendly. The Russian taxi driver rudely announced that there was a minimum charge to get to Westchester ($17.50 which is a huge rip off) and I was just not in the mood.

But all irritation was gone when my little old Pig woke up from her deep sleep and realised I'd come back. Pig has aged a great deal in the last few months and she's not the feisty little dog she used to be but she gave me her best welcome and I gave her a bath in return. She didn't seem to mind too much.

And so the question begs... where to next?

Well, that's a surprise for now but I have some ideas...

Disaster!

Having resisted the various textiles, jewellery and ceramics for the past two weeks, I have found my perfect shop. Disaster has struck.

Textura sells the most beautiful fabrics, the most incredible colors, the most amazing textures. Bedcovers, table cloths, rugs, cushion covers and more.



I'm doomed...

Lake Atitlan

There comes a day when even the most seasoned traveller gets ripped off.
This was that day.

Lake Atitlan was described by Aldous Huxley as the most beautiful lake in the world. Aldous must have gone on a clear day because clouds were hanging heavily over the surrounding volcanoes and unfortunately very little of the most beautiful lake was visible. Still, it's not all about the view, it's about the experience, right?

Arriving in Panajachel, the largest of the towns surrounding the lake, we were met by a rather dubious guide who convinced six of us to take a boat to three of the other villages surrounding the lake. One he claimed was known for textiles (I was in), one was known for paintings (two others) and the last town was the prettiest in the area (so that was six of us). Like lambs to the slaughter, off we went. That was rip-off number one.



The first two villages were pretty disappointing. Small to the point of almost non-existent we searched in vain for the promised textiles and paintings. We headed across the lake to find Santiago, our last stop.

The boat pulled in to a restaurant far away from the center of Santiago and we were shanghaied. Bambu restaurant was lovely to look at, the setting was superb, the food not quite so much and we quickly realised there was an "arrangement" between the boat driver and the restaurant. I had chicken but which part, I'm not sure (fond memories of Mexico). The margarita certainly helped as we were all getting on brilliantly and having a great laugh but who knew that would be the highlight of the day. We should have had another drink but that's hindsight for you. That was rip-off number two.




Time was ticking away. It was 3pm, we were due back at the minibus at 4pm and it was an hour across the lake to get back. We had yet to get to Santiago, the whole point of the trip. After much cajoling of the boat driver, we finally made it, margarita-induced fun still going strong at that point. There were a lot of paintings, two people were happy so at least something was accomplished.

Returning to the minibus an hour late we were informed that we would each have to pay an additional 40 Quetzales to get back to Antigua.

Outrageous!

Margarita-induced fun stopped there.

It may only be $5 but there was a principal involved. The minibus only cost $10 to start with so to charge half again was just wrong. A full-blown Guatemalan argument ensued between the Spanish speakers (everyone except me), the boat driver, the tour organiser and the bus driver. Fingers were pointed, fists were shaken, but to no avail, the only way back to Antigua was to cough up the additional money. And so that was rip-off number three.

To bring the day to a perfect end, one of the girls I'd spent the day with then threw up in the minibus on the way back to Antigua. We think it may have been the food!

The whole experience was hilarious and I met some great people. We were completely taken advantage of, blackmailed (not my phrase but yes, indeed) and taken for a ride in more ways that one. I wouldn't change a thing but then again, I might not hurry back to Panajachel!

Spanish Survival

I survived twenty four hours of Spanish classes!

I can't even begin to say how intense it was and how my frustration almost got the better of me at times but I learned a lot and it was challenging to say the least.

The school offers internet classes via Skype so it's possible to continue one-on-one for the number of hours of one's choice. I'm tempted as the prices are reasonable but I shall let the dust (or brain cells) settle for a few days and absorb what I've learned so far.

The Cobbles o' Death

How nice it must be to live in a place where the rainy season starts right on schedule!

May 15th is the official start to the rainy season and so the heavens opened and it poured. The dust of many months was washed away and Antigua emerged bright and sparkling. The only drawback, the cobbles o' death.

I mentioned the cobbles earlier and have to say, they are hard going... literally. It's impossible to wear anything higher than a flip flop however wearing flip flops means one feels every single cobble through the sole. Add a torrential downpour and you've got it, not just cobbles but slippery cobbles. Throw in the occasional water-filled pothole, a few mad tuk-tuk drivers and one's very practical multi-purpose white jeans (an absolute must for treking in the tropics) are looking a little worse for wear! Next thing I know, I'll be climbing a volcano in plastic shoes...

Having got off to a rip-roaring start in Spanish at the beginning of the week I have met my match in los verbos. Oh the agony. However I refuse to go down without a fight and have two classes left. I'm determined to finish on a high note whatever that may be, although at this point it's most probably me screaming in pain!

I went to see a film after class today as there are a number of restaurants in Antigua showing free films. It's interesting to watch a film in English with Spanish subtitles and I enjoyed it however while my reading comprehension is improving, my conversation is still sadly lacking.

Spanish - Day Two

I survived the second day of Spanish! Funnily enough I have a different teacher this week, I can't imagine why!

As luck would have it, the teacher I have now is fantastic and even though I'm starting again in some respects, I feel as though I'm getting a much better grounding (than the previous four times!!)

The "Christian" approach is to teach the three main tenses together (past, present and future) which makes so much more sense. In the past I've learned verbs in the present first, it's so limiting when you can only say "I go" instead of "I went". Spanish has fourteen tenses (very inconsiderate of them) but I'm not worrying about the other eleven for the time being!

Conversation is still extremely limited but the good news is that I have a better understanding of what I might say... one day!

The Missionary Position

Volcan Picaya is supposedly the easiest to climb of the four volcanoes surrounding Antigua. The starter volcano, so to speak. It's also the only active one. Both reasons for visiting Pacaya were appealing so it was off on a minibus to climb the volcano.

At the entrance to the national park we were greeted by numerous small boys with armfuls of hand-hewn walking sticks. It's a great idea. They rent sticks to intrepid explorers for 5 quetzales a piece. It's less than a dollar but they get the stick back at the end of the day and can rent it to the next international adventurer.



The variety of nationalities here is surprising. Our group alone consisted of Australians, Americans, French Canadians, Israelis, Germans, Spanish and me - an international cocktail.

The going was fairly steep and not being prepared for a hike (no boots, only trainers) it was quite challenging. We were accompanied by a number of men and small boys on horseback. The noise, the smell, the shit was everywhere but they offered an essential taxi service up the volcano to the physically challenged. Before long there were a couple of additional riders.

Reaching the rim of the volcano we were suddenly shrouded in cloud. As we dropped over the rim we went from dust to black lava that cracked and splintered underfoot. The cold lava was sharp and as we hopped from rock to rock, cuts and scratches started to appear on delicate flesh.

On we went, the heat gradually increasing until we finally reached the molten red river of lava winding its way down the mountainside. At first it seemed to be moving quite slowly but from time to time a large rock would shift and the lava would pour down, rocks crashing together as they were pushed aside.

One girl went a little too close to the heat and her plastic shoes started to melt. When considering volcano-friendly fashion, it's definitely something to bear in mind.



It turned out the girl with the melted shoes was a missionary spreading the word. She was part of a group of 170 missionaries converging on Antigua this week for a conference.

I've been carrying a (free) Christian Spanish bag around with me for the past few days. The world's heaviest laptop fits quite nicely into it but perhaps Christian promotion isn't the best idea this week as I don't fancy my chances against 170.

Returning down the dusty trail in the dark was challenging. A few hikers had torches but the majority of the group staggered and slid down the hill, the piles of horse dung unavoidable, invisible in the dark.

It was a fantastic experience all the more so for being in a country which doesn't cry "lawsuit" at the drop of a hat.

There's a strange theme emerging here. Missionaries, Christians, retired ballet dancers... I can't imagine what's next.

Oh, that's right, Spanish classes...

Guatemalan Recipes

I have included the recipes for Pepian Colorado and homemade tortillas. I will definitely attempt to make Pepian again as it was really delicious and easy.


The Recipe:
To make Pepian Colorado start by roasting the following vegetables on a griddle or in the oven:
12 medium Roma tomatoes (cut in half)
4 small tomatillos (whole with the husks removed)
3 red bell peppers (cut in half with the seeds and stems removed)
1 medium white onion (quartered)
2 garlic cloves (whole, peeled)
8 sprigs of fresh cilantro (coriander) wilted briefly on heat

In a frying pan roast the following dry ingredients to release the flavours:
1/2 dry Guajillo chile
1/2 dry Ancho chili
1 small French roll (toasted dark)
2 tbs pumpkin seeds
2 tbs sesame seeds
5 whole black peppercorns

To make the sauce:
Blend the roasted vegetables (starting with the tomatoes) Add the dry roasted spices and blend until smooth.
Heat a tablespoon of vegetable oil in a saucepan and bring the blended sauce to a simmer on a low heat.

Add to the sauce:
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp white vinegar

The other ingredients:
4 boneless, skinless breasts of chicken (can use boney bits if preferred)
1 chayote squash (peeled)
1 large carrot
3 medium white potatoes
1 cup green beans sliced diagonally
Salt to taste

Cut chicken into 1 inch cubes and sear quickly in vegetable oil over a medium heat.

Cut all vegetables into one inch cubes, steam or boil until vegetables are lightly cooked but still retain some bite.

Add the chicken and cooked vegetables to the prepared sauce, simmer for five minutes until hot and serve.

This dish is very flavourful due to the roast vegetables and spices. It is not spicy however more chills can be added for more spice. The sauce can also be cooked and frozen and used for pasta sauce and I think it would be delicious like this.

Guatemalan Tortillas. These tortillas are smaller and slightly thicker than Mexican tortillas and thinner than the El Salvadorian pupusa.

This was a very simple recipe and even if you don't really like corn tortillas, they're so much better freshly made:
I cup of corn flour (maize harina)
2/3 cup of warm water.

Mix to a dough and divide into small balls.
Roll balls between fingers and add small amounts of water to prevent sticking.
Gently pat the ball between fingers to slowly flatten, repair cracked edges with water and pat again. Gradually pat dough into a thin disk about 4 inches in diameter.

To cook:
Place the flattened tortilla on a hot griddle. The tortilla should bubble slightly to allow the inside to cook. Turn over to cook the second side until slightly brown.

Serve with black beans cooked with white onion and blended with cilantro to a smooth paste.

The Cooking School in Antigua

After an exhausting day at the market I was ready for a little relaxation and so it was off to the cooking school in Antigua to learn more about Guatemalan cuisine.

The day started with a traditional stew called Pepian. Pepian consists of a sauce made from roast vegetables, sesame seeds and spices blended to a smooth consistency. Sauted chicken and vegetables are then added once the sauce is prepared. The flavour of the sauce is delicious due to the roasting of fresh vegetables and spices.

There are many varieties of Pepian depending on the region. The one we cooked was Pepian Colorado named for the red bell peppers and tomatoes used in the sauce. Around Antigua the most common type of Pepian available is Pepian Negro which uses burnt tortillas to make the sauce black. Somehow the idea of Pepian Colorado was more appealing.

Other recipes we cooked were traditional beef tacos (similar to Mexican taquitos - rolled and deep fried), a dessert called Dulce de Guisquil. Guisquil is known in the US as Chayote squash. Guatemalan guacamole, Guatemalan black beans and homemade tortillas.

In Mexico guacamole is pronounced with an accent over the e, so it's guacamol-e. In Guatemala it's pronounced as guacamole (to rhyme with whack-a-mole). No idea why, but good to know!

After a couple of hours of preparation and cooking it was time to eat. The food was delicious and I would highly recommend the experience. Accompanying the meal was a dark red drink called Rosa de Jamaica - made from hibiscus flowers, it was superb.

Chichicastenango

With an early start at 7am, it was off to the artisan market in a small town called Chichicastenango set high up in the mountains.

Loudly singing Chi-chi-caste-nango to the tune of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang... well, not really, that would have been ridiculous but it does work.

The Guatemalan countryside is quite spectacular; volcanoes wearing fringed hats of cloud, steep mountains and tree-filled valleys surrounded us. At times I thought we might have to push the minibus but after two and a half hours we made it. It was a great way to see a little more of Guatemala's fantastic scenery.

Arriving at Chichi, the local market was in full swing. This market occurs every Thursday and Sunday and is the largest market in the area drawing vendors, locals, tourists and all sorts in between. Woven and embroidered textiles, beaded bags and belts, carved wooden animals, fruit, vegetables and of course, a man with a giant toad.

I'm not sure what the man was selling but it seemed to be some sort of magic cleaning fluid. I can only assume it came from the toad. A little magic toad juice squirted onto a dirty 10 Quetzales note and it was as clean as new. A little magic toad juice squirted into a glass of dirty brown liquid (hate to think what that was) and all of a sudden it was crystal clear. It was fascinating. The toad's performance was minimal.

The people in Chichi were tiny. Surrounded by women who couldn't have been more than 4 feet tall, for the first time in my life I felt like a giant. The women all had beautiful straight, long black hair and not a grey hair in sight! I was dying to know the secret but as my Spanish had gone into hiding, it shall remain a tantalizing mystery.

En Espanol... or not

...and so I went to meet the Christians.

It was a little nerve-wracking as I had to take a written test to determine my level of expertise. I think I could have saved them the bother.

I agonized through 90 questions utilizing different verbs and tenses. Beginner's Spanish here I come... again. I have started Beginner's Spanish at least five times which just goes to show my natural linguistic ability.

The first class was agony. I think the teacher suffered as much as I did, poor thing, and the only saving grace was that we both tried to have a sense of humour about it. I tried to think of it as a warm-up, a gentle refresher but somehow it was just too excruciating. I realized I was doomed when I asked her if she ate her family.

I'm going back on Monday and have signed up for the week. That gives me a few days to try and dredge up some of my previous knowledge. Hopefully it's lurking in there somewhere.

It turns out that my new friend, Rod who roped me into the Christian Spanish academy (previously referred to as the gay Canadian) is a retired ballerina. I think he's in his mid-sixties and he's absolutely fabulous darling!

Christian Teachings

I asked two people staying at my B&B if they could recommend their Spanish schools as there are so many to choose from. It's daunting. Antigua is definitely a Mecca for Spanish immersion. I had been looking for a suitable school and found it overwhelming.

One guy said he absolutely loved his school, CSA. I'd walked past there and been very worried as CSA stands for Christian Spanish Academy and I instantly imagined being indoctrinated with Christian teachings, signed up for missionary work and whisked off to help the poor all before I could say "I'm not a believer."

Rod (the gay Canadian) highly recommended it though and I agreed to walk over there to see what it's like. He's doing 6 hours of Spanish a day (one on one) which is terrifying. As the sum total of my Spanish comes to ten minutes of conversation (if I'm lucky) the other five hours and 50 minutes could be a bit repetitious. Apparently though you can do four hours instead of six...!

Rod then accompanied me to a weekly slide show at a nearby restaurant being put on by a local ex-pat. The presenter, originally from California moved here when she was 14 in 1969. Since then she seemed to have been involved in the restoration of every building in Antigua. She's now working on moving the market and the bus station out of town which I'm sure will be handy for the locals. I definitely got the sense that she knew everything going on in Antigua!

Despite that, it was nice to talk to Rod. He's here to learn Spanish which is great. I helpfully pointed out that learning a language apparently helps stave of Alzheimer's... luckily he thinks I'm funny!

More about the Christians to follow....

Greetings from Guatemala

The flight to Guatemala City was less than five hours and easy. For anyone who has the slightest apprehension about flying to a country in Central America then I can highly recommend coming here to break the ice.

The only downside is that leaving Los Angeles at 11pm gets you into Guatemala City at 4:30am local time. I started on how serene Guatemala seems compared to Mexico and then realized that anyone with any sense was still in bed.

A very nice guard greeted me in Spanish (a lot of it) and (my limited Spanish being extremely rusty) asked me if I was going to Antigua (I heard him say Antigua so nodded). Si, Antigua, por favor. I tried to look bilingual.

I had been nervous about getting a taxi on my own (fear of being abducted and perhaps ending up somewhere in Central America). I needn't have worried, for the bargain price of $10 I shared a shuttle with two other women. One lady must have been about eighty and was living with a family learning Spanish for a year. I think my fears were laid to rest!

Arriving at Casa Capuchinas, the bed and breakfast we stayed at before, my friendly shuttle bus driver Jorge, banged loudly on the solid wooden gate. My concerns about waking everyone at 6am were out of my hands and I was greeted, shown to my room and left to my own devices.

Sleep. Shower... Coffee!

A few hours later, refreshed and revived I wandered out in search of coffee. Guatemalan coffee really is good. I remembered a café in the main square and headed off.

Café Condesa was still there and exactly as I remembered. I love it when that happens. I sat in the courtyard listening to the fountain and ate an excellent breakfast of Huevos Guatemaleros (Guatemalan Eggs) consisting of scrambled eggs with tomato and onion, black beans, fruit and toast (not to be confused with Huevos Mexicana which are scrambled eggs with tomato and onion, beans and ...) Two large cups of strong coffee, all for the bargain price of about $8 and I felt human again.

While I drank my coffee I wrote a list of the things I'd like to do while I'm here. My list includes climb the smallest, easiest, starter volcano which is active (apparently), go to the market at Chichicastenango (and, knowing me, buy some fabric I don't need and won't use), go to Lake Atitlan described by Aldous Huxley as the most beautiful lake in the world, do a class at the Antigua cooking school (probably learn how to make Huevos Guatemaleros) and possibly (if I have the inclination as it's four hours a day and hard work) do Spanish classes next week.

Having written my list I set off to accomplish the first thing and have booked myself on to a bus to go to the artisan market at Chichicastenango on Thursday.

Antigua is just as I remember. There are painted walls and cobblestones streets everywhere you turn. Carved wooden gates and little tuk-tuk taxis causing chaos. Friendly people dressed in traditional, brightly colored woven clothes. And loads of tourists of course.

Being cobbled, the streets here take a bit of getting used to. After wandering around today I think I’m going to be feeling the cobbles tomorrow. I think I might be developing a nasty case of Cobbled Calves as a result of many hours of walking. I hobbled the cobbles back to Casa Capuchinas and called it a day.

undecided and confused

It's been a bad few days, quel surprise.

I've been struggling with C, pushing him to tell me where he stands and meanwhile I feel I've done everything possible to attempt to reconcile with him and now I have to try and walk away. It hurts so bloody much that every time I think of life without him I cry... again and again.

I'm pushing him now to give me an answer. Not the best idea I realise because there's nothing like pressuring someone to make them run away even faster than they already are.

C's pattern from what I can see, is to run away (move countries) whenever he wants to get out of a relationship. I said that to him yesterday. He's been leaving me for a long time and it wasn't until he bought this house in Florida that it finally hit me. He finally forced me to realise that he'd left me.

And yet he's done nothing to meet me anywhere regardless of half way. I got upset when I had to call him to ask him his address. He's now in Florida and I had to ask him where he lived and if he'd forwarded his mail there now. Before that I had to ask him if he'd stopped giving me money for rent, his way of communicating to me that things were over.

Over the past two days I've been at the vet having Piggy tested for liver problems and Cushing's disease. Going back to February Pig slipped a disk in her back and had to stay in a cage for three weeks. C's response then was to make light of the situation. When I found out Pig had a problem with her liver I was heartbroken and thought she was going to die. C showed very little support during a very stressful time.

Today brought it all back. Pig has been under the weather. I got the results today, one liver enzyme is down (great) the other is up and I have to take her off the medication for her back. It looks like she's negative for Cushing's but it's not definite.

C's response was a text saying "Great news - told you you've got another ten years of a lethargic pig! She's not going to let you off the hook that easily."

I was upset by the references to me only and my response was "Guess that makes it clear you're not involved"

I admit not the best move on my part but I was upset and the emotions got the better of me.

His response... Jesus! I was making a joke about her. Nothing more.

I'm leaving for Guatemala tonight after coming very close to not going. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do as I'm concerned I'll spend the next two weeks sitting in a B&B in solitude and misery but seeing as I'd be doing that here anyway, I may as well go somewhere else and do it on location.

I'm so confused and upset all the time. My emotions are in turmoil and I can't see how my life is going to work out. I've lost so much in the past few months and I'm so scared of losing Pig too because she's all I've got left. When C made light of the situation it just seemed so insensitive. He knew yesterday how I upset I was and how much Pig means to me.

I wish I could get to a place where I feel calm and rational. Everything feels like it's out of control and spiralling down. I keep thinking I've reached the bottom but I don't think this is it yet.

The possibly fake Chanel and the nasty lady

Back in February when I was still relatively sane I decided to buy a purse for my mother's approaching 70th birthday. I wanted it to be a grand gesture, something from my brother, sister and I which could be used everyday. Given that we live in three different countries (and continents) I was sensitive to exchange rates although now it appears the US dollars is the weakest of the three.

I digress. I found a bag on what I thought was a reputable website and having conversed with my brother and sister, I bought it. The return policy was along the lines of "returns given for authenticity only - no questions asked..." Peace of mind, or so I thought.

When the bag arrived I noticed immediately that it did not come with an official Chanel authentication card. This concerned me. The bag, instead of being a delicate pear color, was a moss green, it was stiff leather and generally ugly and unappealling. There was no way I could give my mum something like this, I didn't even want to keep it for myself, always a telling sign.

What then transpired was two months of frustration with one of the nastiest people I have had the misfortune to interact with. I honestly have tried to keep things cordial but when the woman shouted hysterically at me and hung up on me during a phone conversation, I had no option but to file a dispute with my credit card company.

This gets long, tedious and boring but needless to say, this is still going on. I have been rebilled by my credit card company for the amount of the bag. Given my current employed status (not) this is a huge amount of money. The woman actually lied outright and claimed I had not returned the bag. I did but she refused to accept it so the nasty green thing is sitting under my desk where it has sat for the past two months.

Now I face the prospect of having to pay for this albatross and see it everyday.

I also discovered that the care booklet was fake, it had spelling mistakes in it. So one would think a "no questions asked" return policy could and should be honoured at this point. Not according to the most irrational woman in the universe (and that's not me for once). The bitch from hell has refused to honour her original terms and conditions and has changed them on her website. Luckily I have a previous copy and have submitted it in my defence.

I have now had to call in an outside authentication service who are trying to help me resolve the situation. The seller uses their name to guarantee her business practise so it's definitely in their best interests to help resolve this issue.

How very dull it all is. I'm not a vindictive person but when this is over and done with, I'm going to report her to the Better Business Bureau and to Chanel.

I'm tired of being ripped off by people and that goes for my work too.

Perhaps progesterone cream takes away self-pity too. Let's hope so!

Premenopause

Today's exciting discovery is hormone imbalance. I spent a considerable amount of time researching online and reached the conclusion that I am deficient in progesterone. Now of course I can't remember how I reached that conclusion but I did manage to buy a book What Your Doctor may not tell you about PreMenopause and some progesterone cream and started reading about depression, anxiety, insomnia, decreased sex drive and many other cheery symptoms, all of which I can honestly say "yes" to.

The book is a surprisingly good read so far. I'm skimming over the more technical parts and enjoying the patient scenarios. For some reason I find myself relating to stories along the lines of "Kate was 38, depressed, bloated, lonely, unemployed and in relationship turmoil. By rubbing a little progesterone cream on her hands, everything seemed clearer, more settled and she stopped having radical mood swings."

Of course I'm exaggerating but I do wonder if this might have something to do with my completely irrational behaviour and total break down over the past couple of months. It's food for thought. And speaking of food, there are dietary concerns with this progesterone milarky. One needs to avoid many of the nasty processed foods available including caffeine, alcohol, cheese and anything remotely tasty but then again, given the choice between lying awake every night having a huge panic attack and sobbing hysterically or eating a piece of cheese, I might be willing to give up the cheese. My morning coffee though is another story altogether.

Speaking of other stories I shall now post an extremely tedious situation about myself, the online purchase of a possibly counterfeit Chanel purse and a very nasty person.

Denial hurts

I was doing ok after coming back from the UK. I have stopped drinking and it's been 9 days and I have been feeling good and surprisingly, looking better than I've looked in a while.

Today I took a backward step and I'm feeling pretty bad.

I still don't know where C and I stand and I'm in limbo and I don't know what to do about it.

Today I went to collect the mail from our mailbox and it's apparent that C has forwarded his mail to Florida. So that was strike one.

Then I get an Evite from a friend of ours who invited C and I separately to a stupid Memorial Day barbeque. Every other couple listed were written as Anne & David, John & Jane. C and I were listed formally, first and last names. Separately. I have been really upset by this. Not only was it insensitive but this invitation went to 60 people. People who have no idea what is going on with C and I and quite frankly, it's none of their business.

C and I continue to talk on Skype and I know he's having a frustrating time in Florida. He has some family issues going on and he said that he hasn't had time to think, he seems really stressed and when I told him I was going to Guatemala to think for a couple of weeks, he said doing something like that was what he needed to do as well.

I think we both need to step back now and take some time to think. I've been so angst-ridden. I'm stressed about finding work, how I'm going to live, how I'm going to get over C (if that's what it's come to) and generally my denial is driving me crazy.

I'm kidding myself. There's nothing left here. At least there are only six days until I can run away to Guatemala. I'm in hell.

Back in LA

So I'm back but I'm only here for two weeks so I'm trying to stay focused on getting my work organised before I go to Guatemala (what the fuck was I thinking??!).

My brilliant sister suggested that I try partnering with writers for my children's books, she delicately suggested that while the illustrations were perfect, the writing was lacking something. I think she may have a point!

I'm hoping to drum up work in both the UK and the US so I can truly work internationally. I'm going to use my sister's address in the UK and approach publishers and children's book agents so that's one direction.

I shall do the same here in the US and then hopefully I'll be able to work from anywhere. Brilliant! Let's hope something good comes from this. It's going to cost me a fortune in ink and paper as publishers for some bizarre reason, don't accept email submissions.

Down in Devon

I'm now in Devon staying with my sister and her family. London was hard. I spent three days with a girl I met last year who recently broke up with her fiance. I had no idea but the night I arrived she confessed to me that she had attempted suicide twice in the past couple of months. Oh brilliant, just what I need. Not only that, her way of coping is to drink. Not what I wanted to be doing.

The night I arrived we went out until about 2am. The next day lunch started at 1:30pm and ended (many drinks later) at 10:30pm and the following day was drinks for dinner. I left on Tuesday morning feeling toxic and depressed.

Coming to Devon was a great idea and I think I should have avoided London. I'm worried about meeting C's friend in case he tells me something I don't want to know (ie Oh, I heard you had broken up, sorry about that). I realise I'm in denial but that's my perogative. Until I hear it from C, I'm still hopeful there's a chance we can work things out.

Devon is all fresh air and small children and makes me realise that all I really want is a simple life. I don't want to live in London, it's too stressful and everyone drinks too much. I would like to go for walks, buy fresh vegetables and just breathe. So I need to decide how to make money and support this filthy habit!

C and I have maintained communication (texting) which is better than nothing so I'm encouraged that at least we're still talking in some sense. He is still in Florida but will be heading to the boat in the next couple of days. After that I have no idea what's next.

So I'm feeling ok. Still very unsure but less unstable than I was in London. Who knows what tomorrow holds but hopefully it'll be simple pleasures, small children, family and good food. I can't hope for much more than that.

Guatemala and then some

So I have officially booked a ticket and I'm going to Guatemala in May!

I'm going for two weeks to have a look around and see if I can find a place to rent for six months. As I was thinking about going, I got an email from United with their mileage specials for May and funnily enough, LA to Guatemala City was one of the deals. I booked it and it cost me $50!!

I then emailed a lovely little B&B I stayed at with C three years ago and today they emailed back saying, "Yes, they do have availability for the dates I requested!"

So that's all good news.

Tonight I emailed a friend who I know is between places to ask her if she'd be interested in a 6 month sublet. I haven't heard back from her but I do know that her other housing option just fell through. So I'll wait to hear from her.

Crikey, I can't believe I've just decided to go to Guatemala and I'm actually going to go. I think I'd better go to sleep now, it's all quite shocking! Actually it's all quite exciting!

Ginger, but not in a good way

So yesterday (in a strange mood perhaps) I decide that I'm sick of being grey and mousey and I'm going to be a glamourous "DARK BLONDE".

What would Catherine Deneuve do?

Well, I can assure you she wouldn't buy a semi-permanent color (good for 28 washes) at Target.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I carefully followed the instructions and lo and behold, not glamourous dark blonde AT ALL... More like dark ginger but not in a good way.

So being me, I think "Well, it'll fade, only 27 washes to go" and so I went to bed.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and thought "What the fuck was I thinking? it's ginger" and started madly googling "semi permanent hair color removal"

The best tip I found was to wash one's hair in Dawn dish washing liquid so off to Rite-Aid I go.

I found a mysterious product called "Color Oops" obviously designed for the cheap, impulsive hair colorists like me.

It would remove the said color and restore grey and mousey. Perfect. I picked up the Dawn dishwashing liquid as well, just in case.

Applying the Color Oops, I noticed a very strong smell of ammonia, otherwise known as bleach.

The product suggested a processing time of 20 minutes but I wasn't having any of that. The smell of bleach was worrying me too much so I followed the shampoo and rinse, shampoo and rinse instructions (only 24 more washes to go including this morning) and then gave it a couple of washes in the Dawn dish washing liquid for good measure (so that's only 22 washes left anyway and I can probably manage those before I leave tomorrow night).

My hair's still wet right now but from what I can see it's grey and mousey with a hint of ginger.

I've just realised with horror that I now match my grey and ginger dog!!!!
What is it they say about pets and owners???

(Obviously I have nothing against ginger for those who are naturally or choose to be, I do have a problem with being ginger against my will, especially when DARK BLONDE sounded so sexy and mysterious!)

the plot thickens

After my usual night of 2-4:30am spent crying and surfing the internet (I'm so much fun to be around right now) I received an email from my former employer.

The general terms are that I can not use any of the work I created for this company to promote myself online, on my personal website or in any other way including presenting it in an interview unless I have written authorization from the owner of the company and they have determined that the company I am interviewing with is not competition.

This is from the man who said he wanted to work with me in the future, so I could create additional collections for their portfolio. This is also the company which owes me $1750 and has my Bose ipod dock.

This is the company I worked really hard for for the past five months and created some really beautiful work which I've been extremely proud of. It's also the company who gave me a sixty day agreement which terminated at Christmas. Given all of that, I'm wondering who owns the rights to the work created. I was no longer under contract as the agreement clearly states 60 days. I think they're panicking and want me to make a statement committing to not publishing the work.

Actually I had no intention of publishing the work online as I'm well aware of unethical people (the people I was just working for are some of the worst when it comes to ripping off design) and so I was only planning to show it as part of my portfolio. It's ludicrous to think that I would seek the written consent of someone who has fired me. Actually it's ludicrous to think anyone would seek written consent prior to an interview to determine whether that company is considered competition. He's delusional.

Oh the fun never stops around here. It just seems to get better and better. 2008, so far my second worst year in memory but then again, it's only April and so much more can happen.

Tomorrow should be fun.

On a positive note, Piggy is now enjoying raw food, vitamin C to help her stubble grow back, digestive enzymes, joint relief and more. I'm determined she's going to be fit and healthy, she's had a bad year too so at least one of us needs to be strong.

I am so drained from all of these negative emotions. I spent hours last night reading horoscopes in the hope that one would be positive but it appears to be doom and gloom from here on. It's all about growing from the pain and change and emerging at some point in the future (probably in about ten years) a much happier, healthier person. Bollocks to that, this is excruciating.

Yo Yo

A Suffolk puff is also know as a Yo-yo in quilting circles. I'm not a quilter but I have been using this technique for sewing noses for my toys. It works quite well.

Today I sewed all day trying to get toys done for a company in New York who are developing prototypes in China based on my patterns.

I finished a pretty good shark and the third attempt worked quite well. I also made a second version of the cat head and I think it looks extremely cute.

I'm quite tired but feel as though it was a productive day. It also crossed my mind that perhaps I could approach the above mentioned company and see if there are any openings for a designer/product developer. I'll think it over though as I seem to be having different ideas every second about where to go and what to do. First off, I have to decide what I like to do. The toys are an interesting challenge. It's been difficult developing a 3D form from a 2D drawing. Quite fun too.

I spoke to C and told him I was going to the UK on Friday. He said he thought it was a good idea. My irrational side suddenly screamed in my head (luckily) WHY!!!! Why is it a good idea for me to go away?? Why don't you express how you feel about me? Are we just friends? Is our relationship over? All the things my father has said an Englishman (takes one to know one) can't or won't respond to especially when pressured.

We had a good conversation and I really appreciate the fact that he's calling me (hopefully it's not just to make sure I haven't tried to top myself or anything stupid like that). I'm trying to chill out. I've had a bit of a breakdown over the past few months.

I'm really glad I don't have to go to work tomorrow. I hadn't realised how stressed out I've been, enough was never enough for those people and no matter how hard I worked, how much great design I produced and how many systems I introduced, it was never going to work because they didn't want it to.

So good luck to them. I am confident that my work is good and that they're the type of people who are quite happy to use clip art. They're not designers, they're plagiarizers, they're cheap and to top it off, they're not very nice.

Onward and upward.

Ye olde Suffolk Puff

I spent today organising my portfolio and sewing Suffolk puffs. I can't remember the American name for Suffolk puffs but it's a circular shape which is gathered around the edges and stuffed. I'm using it quite successfully for noses.

I'm in the process of developing seven felt toys with a company in New York. It has been an agonizingly slow process and the Chinese factory don't seem to have the knack of capturing the personalities of the toys. They are animals from books I have been working on under my brand.

I have now realised that if I don't show them what I want, there are going to be some very unattractive felt animals for sale this Christmas. I have made the heads of the penguin and the cat so perhaps I'll photograph them tomorrow and post them up. I've also had a crack at the shark and while the proportions are horribly wrong, I really do quite like the mouth. More to do tomorrow but at least things are moving along.

I had a revelation this morning and one which should have come a lot sooner. Why would C want to get back with me, indeed why would he even want to talk to me?

I've been miserable, depressed, whiny, crying, desperate, sad, lonely, pressuring, apologetic, confused, DESPERATE, panicked, sick. The list is seemingly endless. What I really haven't been (and I'm sure this isn't surprising) is fun, happy, lighthearted, someone you'd want to be with, pretty, sexy, nice or basically anything you'd want from the person you've chosen to be with.

Yep, good thinking really. I've said I want him back and then I go out of my way to be my most grim, although to be fair I did lose my job on Thursday. SO I've been thinking things over.

At the moment I can't chase C to Key West (which is probably just as well for both of us). The house is in a shambles and I'm not invited anyway.

So in a strange moment of madness I thought, "Why not sublet my apartment for six months and drive to Guatemala?" It's not the most unusual of ideas. I've been to Antigua and loved it. It's possible to rent a house for $500 a month. I could drive down in my trusty old battle-scarred Beetle (my most hated car which ironically would be perfect) and my grumpy old dog could come along for company. I have friends in Mexico to stay with on the way and I could take six months off from reality, work on my children's books in the hope that one day something will finally, finally get published and try and start again.

Of course it all smacks of a self help discovery trip (which of course it would be and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!). I would write all my griping adventures and being different to all the other 30++ women writing self discovery travel journals, mine would be completely original and I'd get a great book deal.

Sounds like a brilliant plan. In addition to that I can go to a Spanish immersion school therefore killing at least two of my ambitions (become a travel writer and become proficient in either Spanish or French) with one stone and all before I'm 40.

So now I'll go to sleep so I have something nice to think about and don't spend the night agonizing over C.

Friday

I spent this morning trying to get my printer to work so I could print out my portfolio. I finally called David (my now former boss) at 11:30am to discuss moving forward. He didn't answer the call.

He called back an hour or so later and we arranged to meet at 2pm. He was ten minutes late and we met at the French cafe across the road from the office. I took the moral high road, said I understood what they needed to do and said I was open to an ongoing freelance arrangement. I then handed over my keys and company credit card. He said he would gather up my belongings and have a paycheck for me.

It was strange. Obviously I'm not welcome in the office. Funnily enough I didn't hear from a colleague I had confided in. I had tried to save her job and in the process, lost my own. I have the strangest feeling I have been set up. On top of it all, I have built their portfolio, they get to keep the work and now I'm out. As my mother put it, they've bled me dry and kicked me out. It doesn't feel good.

I came back and called C. When I told him about the keys and meeting outside the office his comment was that I wouldn't be going back there. I feel quite violated by the whole experience. Taken advantage of, used and abused. I feel like a fool to have confided in someone who has now obviously distanced themselves and has shown me clearly what a stupid thing it was. It reinforces the fact that there are no friends in the workplace. How naive of me to think we were friends.

So now I'm floundering. I have no idea where to go or what to do.

another sleepless night

1:30am. Thoughts swirling, mind in turmoil. Lying awake, feeling sick and queasy. Could be the fault of sake, sushi and other horrors for dinner but I suspect the reality is fear. My life is changing beyond recognition and everything is conspiring to force me to make those changes.

I had thought I would stay in LA and work for six months, save money and then sensibly and slowly start thinking about where to go and what to do. That was my idea. The universe has other ideas as that job no longer exists.

My 6 year relationship has ground to a halt and even if C is open to moving forward, it will not be something which will happen easily. My sense is that he's walked away already and I just have to accept it and learn from it.

My career, such as it is, is in disarray. I can list so many things I don't want to do and if I'm honest, I don't know what makes me happy. I have written and illustrated a children's book which has been rejected probably fifteen times. It's currently out for review with another publisher. Given recent events, I'm not holding my breath. The toys I've created could get produced but it's all very vague and I'm not happy with the prototypes I've seen.

I had dinner this evening with my closest friend and we fantasized about how to get off the consumer merry-go-round that is LA. Shopping is a weekend pastime here where people have nothing else to do except decide what else to stuff in their houses. This was my friend's observation as she and her husband live in a suburban house, earn large salaries, she hates her job and yet they are struggling to see the point of it all.

I, on the other hand, have the opposite situation. Few belongings (which will be even fewer soon), no job currently, no income, no relationship, just a rapidly aging dog. I suppose from a positive view, it's somewhat easier for me to pick up and leave. But where to go and what to do?

get off the fence!

It would appear I have been laid off, fired, relieved of my duties, let go. However you look at it, it was a bit of a surprise and I need to access my situation. Funnily enough I was having a facial this morning and I was describing this year to my facialist. At the end I said, "it's been a roller coaster ride and at this rate everything could change by lunchtime!"

How right I was!

I went to work and was summoned to a meeting where I was informed that while they would like to consider working with me on a freelance creative basis (I can continue building their portfolio) I've been let go from the 9-6 daily routine with guaranteed income, albeit much lower than I should be paid.

The irony is that I was never clear on my role so the fact that they can say it wasn't working is quite funny. I was hired as creative director. It was immediately apparent that the job was senior designer. It then evolved into senior designer/production manager/studio manager but definitely not creative director. Then they tell me it's not working out. Perhaps a little clarification would have been nice. In addition the hiring and firing of multiple staff didn't make an easy working environment.

So here I am in the exact situation I've talked about. If I could go anywhere and do anything, what would I do? After I came home today I called C and told him. He was shocked and surprised and sorry things had worked out like this.

I said I needed to ask him a question, that I didn't think I could handle the answer but I needed to ask it anyway. I said I understood a lot of things had been said and that I was sorry for the way things had worked out and I was sorry for my part of things. I expressed that we are really compatible and I hoped that we would be able to move on and find a stronger relationship. I said I need to know where I stand and while he should take some time to think things over, I'd appreciate it if he could give me his decision.

So here I am. I can look around this place I've called home for the past eight years and see the few things I would take with me. Two green Heywood Wakefield chairs, a collection of books, a few clothes, work stuff, computer, sewing machine, kitchen stuff (pans), some photos and memories.

A few things which should go and live in Key West... a TV, outdoor furniture, ceramics from Mexico, Winston's ceramic paw print, the lady in the garden and a few other things. The rest, Ikea bookshelves, a plywood platform bed, cheap disposable furniture, it can all go.

I can leave here with little to show for the time I've lived here. I have no debt, good credit and some savings. I can walk away with almost no strings attached.

It's a strange perspective but it's time for me to stop sitting on the fence and for once in my life, make a decision. Which is what I'll do... tomorrow!