1:30am. Thoughts swirling, mind in turmoil. Lying awake, feeling sick and queasy. Could be the fault of sake, sushi and other horrors for dinner but I suspect the reality is fear. My life is changing beyond recognition and everything is conspiring to force me to make those changes.
I had thought I would stay in LA and work for six months, save money and then sensibly and slowly start thinking about where to go and what to do. That was my idea. The universe has other ideas as that job no longer exists.
My 6 year relationship has ground to a halt and even if C is open to moving forward, it will not be something which will happen easily. My sense is that he's walked away already and I just have to accept it and learn from it.
My career, such as it is, is in disarray. I can list so many things I don't want to do and if I'm honest, I don't know what makes me happy. I have written and illustrated a children's book which has been rejected probably fifteen times. It's currently out for review with another publisher. Given recent events, I'm not holding my breath. The toys I've created could get produced but it's all very vague and I'm not happy with the prototypes I've seen.
I had dinner this evening with my closest friend and we fantasized about how to get off the consumer merry-go-round that is LA. Shopping is a weekend pastime here where people have nothing else to do except decide what else to stuff in their houses. This was my friend's observation as she and her husband live in a suburban house, earn large salaries, she hates her job and yet they are struggling to see the point of it all.
I, on the other hand, have the opposite situation. Few belongings (which will be even fewer soon), no job currently, no income, no relationship, just a rapidly aging dog. I suppose from a positive view, it's somewhat easier for me to pick up and leave. But where to go and what to do?
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