what do I really want to do? which leads to where do I want to be?

I met a friend after work for tea and ended up in a big discussion about where things are with C, what I do in relationships (lose myself in someone else), identify myself through my work and generally have no idea about what I want to do or where I want to be.

I have always enjoyed my work. At least, I've enjoyed aspects of it because as I wrote that I realised it wasn't true. I'm a designer, graphic originally but now I work as a surface designer and illustrator. I enjoy creating patterns, I love color and I've really enjoyed the challenge of creating a children's book. My work is also my hobby but the reality is, there's not much else. What I don't love are deadlines, office politics, not having enough time to develop good design and generally being tied to a computer from 9am to 6pm.

When I stop and think about the things I really love doing, one thing I think of is writing. When C and I were on the boat, I loved the series I was writing from each anchorage. I called it Notes from the Boat, took photos, turned challenges into witty escapades and had an audience of readers. It was the best part of being on the boat for me. It was the combination of travelling and writing which excited me and it was the challenge of portraying a negative situation in a positive light (not exactly something I've achieved in this poor, sad blog so far).

One other thing I've always loved is dancing. Last year I started learning to salsa and I loved it.

Where would you go and what would you do if you could go anywhere and be anywhere?

I don't know and that seems to be my biggest problem. C has left and I'm left floundering because I don't know who I am. Somewhere along the way I got lost. I don't know if it was always there or if it developed.

When I was in my early twenties I was driven, knew what I wanted and as a result, where I was wasn't an issue. I was going to say it was after I left Australia but I actually think it was when Paul and I split up. He was the reason I moved to LA and stayed for the first four years. When we broke up I fell apart. I was drinking heavily, got arrested for drunk driving, slept with a couple of men who weren't good prospects, got sentenced to 70 AA meetings and eventually was diagnosed with melanoma. That year was 1996. I still think of that year as my worst year, my "annus horribilis". I think it was the first time I was ever truly on my own and I panicked, I didn't know how to cope or what to do.

What I'm trying to do at the moment is not go back to that place. I am trying to deal with the emotions of losing C, I am not masking my feelings with drink. I am not acting in a self-destructive manner and I am trying to learn from this situation. What I do need is to find out who I am and decide what I want to do.

I am going to try and take some time in the next few weeks to think things over, to try and find out what I want to do. I'm not going to make any major life decisions right now.

Having just said all that I've just this minute had a brilliant fantasy. How wonderful it would be to live in France and be able to work independently or just pop to London to pick up projects... not very realistic but why not? Perhaps I'll focus on this for a while. It's a lovely picture.