The end of March

Last day of March. C leaves tomorrow morning to go to Key West. He will then go on to Ecuador to the boat. I don't think he'll be back here for a few weeks at the earliest.

We had dinner together tonight and I hoped for a revelation, a sign that he wanted to take a step together into the future. All I sensed was an unspoken goodbye. A friend but not a lover. I tried to keep it light (create pleasant experiences, love 100%, the wisdom of the self help books) and all the time I felt myself trying to hold back the tears.

We left things open. Hugged and kissed goodbye and said we would speak soon, that he would keep me posted and would be updating his house blog. He left.

I cried but only for a minute.

My father called and we spoke for a while. The dear thing is quite the optimist in his old age and keeps saying how compatible C and I are. He's right of course but as I explained the events of the past few days, I wonder if it's all just about staying friends for C.

The next few weeks will be very telling I think. Dad did say though that I shouldn't expect C to actually say anything, a verbal statement or declaration is definitely not his style and the fact that he's made contact over the past few days does say something. Oh hindsight, fucking hindsight. My father also said he thought C would have been quite happy to continue on with things as they were (true) and that I didn't really want the trappings of a conventional lifestyle (true, only thought I did) and so really, I had everything I needed and it all got lost along the way. Stupid me.

So now I'm sitting in bed looking like a ninety year old, dressing gown and nightie (bath robe I suppose is the slightly more stylish name) but it may as well be pink flannel. At least I'm not crying!