a weekend together

I spent most of the weekend with C in a very platonic, friendly sort of way. It's all a bit of a mystery and I'm not sure where we stand with each other but I do know that we enjoy each other's company and I hope that this really is the thin end of the wedge and we're able to work things out.

On Friday after work I was engulfed by a wave of desolation.

How can I stay in this place when the only reason not to move is that I don't want to move the dog? It's ludicrous. Since C and I have been having troubles we've both sorted out our belongings and from my perspective, it's with a view to finally leaving here, something I say I want but have been too scared to do. I've become entrenched and have turned into the person who complains constantly about their job, and then stays for fifteen years.

I was sitting at home being miserable (something I can do quite well) when C rang from the laundrette. I was very pleased to hear from him as it had been two days since our last conversation, one where I pulled a 180 on him and said I realised I didn't want to end things. Needless to say, he was a little confused.

"He's like a deer caught in the headlights," my sister put it, "doesn't know which way to turn, poor thing."

I was relieved he was calling.

We did spend most of the weekend together, seeing a movie, eating and generally hanging out. It was fun and comfortable for the most part except for not knowing where we stand. We did drop off a lot of stuff at the local thrift store which either means we're just having a good clear-out or we're no longer living together. I'm trying to look at it positively, we really did need to get rid of a lot of stuff.

It's now Sunday evening and I have drafted an email to send C. I realise that as I was the one to instigate the separation then I must be the one to attempt the reconciliation. I have tried to do that during this week with honesty and the perspective of hindsight and now we're at a point where I'm not sure if he'll come back. In a way things would be much easier for him. He has the freedom to come and go as is his wont and I certainly make life more complicated.

I am hoping we can approach it as a new phase in our relationship. I am hoping we needed to get to this point in order to move past it. Of course, he may feel that we're already past it, just heading in different directions.

At this point there's not much more to lose except for that tiny pin prick of hope that I've been clinging to desperately. What if he says no?