swan lake and the labrador

Last night I went to see Swan Lake. I remember going with my mum and sister when I was a little girl. Last night I felt a little bored and I think I prefer opera to ballet. There's something surreal about not hearing the passion of the voice, the story being told in language rather than mime. I did love elements of it but overall the overly enthusiastic (dare I say, American) audience disturbed the flow and continuity of the dance and it became a series of vignettes. Again and again the dancers would stop and take bows after a short dance, the audience applauding, cheering, even whoo-hooing. I almost expected the seventh inning stretch but perhaps I'm being particularly cynical. I've been through a lot lately.

Speaking of which, the Labrador (as I shall now refer to C) called me this morning in search of breakfast or brunch and so we went off in search of food. We did a little furniture research for his new house in Key West and I did like some of the pieces he was considering. This evening we went to a small italian restaurant for dinner. A place we had never been to but one he'd always wanted to try. Overall a good evening, I repeated carefully my mantra and was able to be myself, no recriminations but then again, no passion, no nothing but friends. All I can say is that if we're meant to be together then we will be. There is no amount of talking or discussion that can force that to happen, I have said everything I need to say and all I can do at this point is be happy within myself and not have any regrets. I will say that the six years I have spent with the Labrador have been some of the happiest, hardest and saddest years. I feel we've covered every gamut of emotion and amazingly have retained our compatibility. I hope he feels the same.

I felt sadness when we hugged and kissed goodbye as I know he'll be leaving here in a couple of days but that is the way of things and I must let go to see whether he comes back. In the meantime I have myself to nurture, to love, to find and forgive. I have been so hard on myself for my entire life and it's time to let go, accept who I am and love me unconditionally. If I can't do it for myself, how I can expect anyone else to be able to?


the wedge