Everything happens for a reason

I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since C called me. From disbelief, great sadness, heartache, physical pain and nausea, unable to sleep, unable to eat. I've found out things about our relationship which have threatened to spoil the memories of what we had and today has been no exception, another difficult day with pain and heartache except that I think, I hope that I'm starting to change.

I went for a bike ride this evening and looked at the ocean. I locked my bike and walked down to the water. I cried for what we had and what we have lost but then I realised that C had come into my life for a reason and while I may be the latest casualty in a long line of women who have tried to love him, I am stronger for the life I have shared with him.

Everything points to my work. C came into my life to encourage me to change, to see the possibilities and to have the confidence and drive to follow my dream. Everything that has happened in the last year has pointed to the fact that I need to be doing this.

I tried getting a job, and I was fired. When I went away sailing with C, I knew I had to be doing my own work, that I needed my own passion. C has had his business, he's succeeded in that and he's earned his freedom. I'm yet to do that.

While the pain is certainly not over and I am still hurting, I am trying to see this from a different perspective. I came into C's life to help him through his divorce so maybe he came into my life to help me find my direction. I am starting to understand that this is the feeling of gratitude I was meant to feel when I spoke to the astrologist last year. She said to me that I needed to approach my relationship from a place of gratitude and maybe, I'm finally starting to understand that.

I've learned a lot in the last year. I resolved the issues I had with my family and I'm starting to rebuild my sense of self. It's been a difficult year as I haven't embraced the change up until now because it's been painful and my fear of the unknown has been terrifying but hopefully I'm starting to see that all these things are happening because I need to change. To stop making the same mistakes and to finally change my patterns.