Learning from my mistakes

Last night I was started reading a book called "Men Who Can't Love." It is like reading about my relationship with C from confused start to bitter end. It is clear that he has commitment-issues and the lessons I'm learning will be ones to stay with me going into the future.

The other thing I found last night was a journal from the first few months C and I were together. I'm absolutely shocked reading it at how I let him treat me, how manic it all was. I constantly describe it as an emotional rollercoaster and what's really telling, I wanted to end things within two months of meeting him. Oh baby trust your instincts from now on. Don't allow someone to take over your life and always, retain your self of self.

At some point I might add those journal entries here so that I have them in a place where I can find them easily. I promise this to myself - I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way I was treated again.

I helped C through his divorce when we first met. He was in a terrible state and was also leaving his job as the company had been sold. Don't get me wrong, he owned the company and had made a lot of money. His ex-wife knew how to hurt him and was going for the money and he couldn't bear the thought of losing it. He was unreliable, drinking excessively, and behaving like a wounded animal.

I think I did a great job of helping him heal. He's in a much better place today than he was six years ago and in the process I put a lot of my own wants, needs and desires on hold. He has moved on, met someone else and perhaps this will be a good relationship for him now as I have helped him so much. But so what? Now my focus has to be me and as I move on from this, I take pride in my resilience and know that I WILL be ok. I have a long way to go and I still feel sick about things (physically nauseous when I think about him with someone else because I do still love him) but he was never going to commit to me in any way, he couldn't say he loved me and after six years, that's very sad.

It may take a while before I meet someone I'm attracted to. C is a very good looking man and a hard act to follow from a material standpoint. He's 6'4", blue eyes, tanned skin, salt and pepper hair. He has a boat, a collection of exotic cars, a house in Florida and a lot of money.

And I never have felt SO POOR as during the years I've been with him. He is so tight with his money unless it's something he wants for himself. During the 6 years we spent together I lived at the same level I had prior to meeting him, I still drive the same salvaged Beetle I drove when we met (he owns three cars worth over $100,000 each). While I may sound like a gold digger what I'm trying to say is that he never treated me as an equal. It wasn't that I wanted him to buy me a new car or a house but I wanted us to be a partnership, that he would want to treat me the way that he treated himself and that he would love me so much he would want to share his possessions.

This is such a good lesson that if I don't learn from this, if I make the same mistakes again then I get what I truly deserve. My promise to myself - don't ever let this happen again.

My love to me.