Back in New York

Well, New Jersey to be honest. I'm tired though after taking a red eye last night and I'm feeling a little fragile emotionally. I know I need to stop thinking about C. I know I need to stop missing him, missing what I thought we had and try and move on with my life but it's so hard.

I know he won't be back, our relationship was too damaged by the time he finally met someone else but I'm in so much pain, constantly looking back instead of looking forward. I know all the logical, rational thoughts. I know he was never going to commit to me, that our relationship was stagnant, that I wanted more, that I was frustrated and yet I took the smaller and smaller crumbs he tossed my own until now, there's nothing and I'm hurting.

It's almost a month since we spoke. The longest time in the past six years that I haven't had contact and I feel as though I've lost a limb. I suppose if I'm honest, I've lost a crutch because I leaned on him so heavily. I agonize over my loss everyday and wish I could have done something differently, wish that I could go back but then I wonder, was it all really me? Does his past behaviour indicate how he'll be in the future and I think it will.

Throughout C's past he has moved or run away when things have got too hard. And whatever relationship he's been in has been severed, conveniently by the move. If I'm rational about it, his decision to buy the house in Key West was his decision to end the relationship. He claimed I pushed and pushed him until he jumped but the reality, he created a situation so intolerable, I had no alternative.

So why now am I sitting here feeling destroyed? The simple reason is that I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I ask myself the question, where do I want to live? and I can't answer.

I know I want to share my life with someone. I know I want to love again and learn from my mistakes. I know I want success in my career and I know I want money. I want to make my own money and be financially secure.

I am trying to follow the law of attraction. Ask - Believe - Receive but I'm having a hard time believing. What makes me feel I'm not worthy? I have no idea... yet. I have decided that I can't be with anyone until I can answer the questions for myself - what do I want, where do I want to live and what do I want to do? Until then, I think I'm going to be alone, working things out slowly.