The past couple of days have been a huge revelation as I have come to think that I am codependent. This is a summary as I'm trying to get my thoughts straight...
Last week my six year relationship ended. It had been dying for a while but my boyfriend called me and told me he had met someone else. I had been hanging on for months hoping we could resolve things and find our way through a hard time.
On the surface he's the perfect man. Tall, rich and incredibly good looking and we were very compatible. I thought we would be together forever and I've been struggling through the pain. Yesterday I found a book called "Men Who Can't Love" and read it from cover to cover. I realized that my partner was commitmentphobic.
We met when he was going through a very bad divorce and I allowed myself to get drawn into his situation. I took on a lot of the divorce, I even helped him with the paperwork. After the divorce things were better. We traveled a lot and I put my career on hold, left my dog with friends for long periods of time in order to be able to travel extensively and generally lost my sense of self. I stopped working and allowed him to support me which made me totally dependent on him. He convinced me it was something I wanted as I hadn't been happy doing the work I was doing.
About three years ago I left him and came home. I collected my dog and started working in a new field. A couple of months later he followed me back and we stayed together.
We started spending more time apart, traveling separately but I was doing everything I could to regain my independence - as I believed it would bring him back to me and everything would be ok again. Things finally came to a head earlier this year when he bought a house on the other side of the country from where we live. He told me it was a holiday home for his family and I tried to believe it but eventually he went there and I stayed at home working.
We stayed in contact and I did everything to try and reconcile with him. I told him I loved him and wanted to work through this. I took all the blame, it was my fault things had gone wrong.
Three weeks ago we were still talking about getting together to talk about our future. Then a week ago he called me and told me he'd met someone else. I asked if there was anything I could do or say and he said no.
I have cut all contact, deleted numbers, emails and removed belongings so I feel I've done something right but it is very painful. It's a week tomorrow since he called and I haven't made any attempt to contact him. I've stayed off his blog.
Last night I found a journal I'd kept when we first met. Back then I knew things were wrong and I was going to end the relationship after a couple of months - I had recognized the signs. It's SIX years later and the relationship only ended a week ago. What happened?
I suppose what I'm left with is the feeling that if he has a fear of commitment and I'm codependent, I made so many compromises to make it work that I would have done anything to be with him.
I do not ever want this to happen again. I've had issues in the past and I lose my sense of self completely, I thought he was more important than me and I allowed myself to become a victim.
So now I have a challenge on my hands. It's too late for C and I, he's gone and if I'm a rational, he was never going to make a commitment to me, he couldn't tell me he loved me and I was desperately trying to hold on to him. I should have let him go a long time ago or never made the compromises in the first place. Hindsight hey?
I suppose at least I'm having a wake-up call now so I can do something about it. Better late than never I hope.
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