undecided and confused

It's been a bad few days, quel surprise.

I've been struggling with C, pushing him to tell me where he stands and meanwhile I feel I've done everything possible to attempt to reconcile with him and now I have to try and walk away. It hurts so bloody much that every time I think of life without him I cry... again and again.

I'm pushing him now to give me an answer. Not the best idea I realise because there's nothing like pressuring someone to make them run away even faster than they already are.

C's pattern from what I can see, is to run away (move countries) whenever he wants to get out of a relationship. I said that to him yesterday. He's been leaving me for a long time and it wasn't until he bought this house in Florida that it finally hit me. He finally forced me to realise that he'd left me.

And yet he's done nothing to meet me anywhere regardless of half way. I got upset when I had to call him to ask him his address. He's now in Florida and I had to ask him where he lived and if he'd forwarded his mail there now. Before that I had to ask him if he'd stopped giving me money for rent, his way of communicating to me that things were over.

Over the past two days I've been at the vet having Piggy tested for liver problems and Cushing's disease. Going back to February Pig slipped a disk in her back and had to stay in a cage for three weeks. C's response then was to make light of the situation. When I found out Pig had a problem with her liver I was heartbroken and thought she was going to die. C showed very little support during a very stressful time.

Today brought it all back. Pig has been under the weather. I got the results today, one liver enzyme is down (great) the other is up and I have to take her off the medication for her back. It looks like she's negative for Cushing's but it's not definite.

C's response was a text saying "Great news - told you you've got another ten years of a lethargic pig! She's not going to let you off the hook that easily."

I was upset by the references to me only and my response was "Guess that makes it clear you're not involved"

I admit not the best move on my part but I was upset and the emotions got the better of me.

His response... Jesus! I was making a joke about her. Nothing more.

I'm leaving for Guatemala tonight after coming very close to not going. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do as I'm concerned I'll spend the next two weeks sitting in a B&B in solitude and misery but seeing as I'd be doing that here anyway, I may as well go somewhere else and do it on location.

I'm so confused and upset all the time. My emotions are in turmoil and I can't see how my life is going to work out. I've lost so much in the past few months and I'm so scared of losing Pig too because she's all I've got left. When C made light of the situation it just seemed so insensitive. He knew yesterday how I upset I was and how much Pig means to me.

I wish I could get to a place where I feel calm and rational. Everything feels like it's out of control and spiralling down. I keep thinking I've reached the bottom but I don't think this is it yet.