Monday, November 8, 2010
Living on Lentils Part Two
I really want to try and turn the blog of doom into a refreshing, witty account of the challenges I faced over the past few years. It's not like having cancer by any means, I didn't starve, or end up living on the street. I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol so perhaps the Oprah appeal is missing but I know I can write well, I can entertain through my writing (although this blog begs to differ) but I am going to have a crack at it. Is it possible to turn a situation which has the potential to be a diatribe of misery into a witty, anecdotal escapade. To be honest I'm not sure. There may have to be some embellishment of the truth. Perhaps I'll have to add a drug overdose, slit wrists or just excessive drinking to make a dramatic read. Perhaps living on lentils isn't very exciting but it's what I did...
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Living on Lentils
Last weekend I started writing an account of living frugally, living on lentils as I have done for much of the past two years. My friend is facing bankruptcy and I thought I would start writing a witty account with a touch of reality and a few recipes tossed in for good measure. So far so good. I wrote a couple of thousand words, not a bad start and then worried that it was becoming a tirade of misery. Having received a recent email from my biological mother (wishing me happy birthday) which was essentially a long tirade of misery, I'm wary of writing. My challenge is to approach this is in "Notes from the Boat" manner - how to make a difficult situation entertaining. How to see the funny side of things so it doesn't become the book (or blog) of doom. The challenge continues...
On another note, work for money is slowing down. I felt a little emotional yesterday as I know it's time to move on. I've freelanced there for almost two years and it's been a huge part of me putting my life back together. The time has come though for me to get back on the career track and find my ambition again. I've spent two years working for me, gaining new experience and working in a professional environment. It's shown me that it's possible to enjoy work without being personally involved, to respect my colleagues without the need to be best friends and without the need for drama. It's been an enlightening experience. The time has come because they don't see me in the role of anything other than a freelance designer. I've been doing work which doesn't challenge or excite me and doesn't utilize my skills. I'm ready for a new challenge and I think it's the next step in moving on with my life.
This week I applied to a large toy company in Rhode Island. There were two jobs which sounded interesting and so I went through the online application and then mentally moved to Providence, RI. I had already bought a house, started teaching at RISD part time, joined a sailing club, started rowing and signed up for a glass blowing course in a matter of minutes. A couple of days later I got the auto reply... thanks, but no thanks. I was disappointed to say the least. What it showed me though is that I'm ready to leave here and it's not based on an emotional reaction but rather strategic planning. I'm looking at international companies who can appreciate my background and take advantage of my ability to work in other countries. I'm also looking at this as a long term move, a company who will allow me to travel between the US and Europe. For all my talk about leaving LA, I need to think this through and go when it's the right situation for me. Can you imagine anything worse than moving to Paris or London without a job and having to stay on someone's sofa or worse?
Monday, September 27, 2010
And so much for blogging
It appears that my attempts at blogging went by the wayside during the rest of 2009 and almost all of 2010. In some respects things improved. I started teaching design in July 2009 and work for money picked up for a few months and then since January of this year I've been working almost full time. I met a man in August last year who has pursued me doggedly but despite attempting to remain open minded there is a lack of chemistry that, try as I might, I just can't get past. I don't find him attractive and he irritates me with his conservative thinking and general lack of humour. There is a lack of laughter between us and considering my wit is one of the best things about me (it's starting to come back) I am missing an audience. He lives in Copenhagen and I keep assuring him that I have no intention of moving there. I have always wanted to live in Paris at some point in my life, but Copenhagen has never been part of the fantasy.
My self esteem is good, I'm looking better than I've ever looked (in my humble and modest opinion) despite having recently celebrated my 41st birthday but there's a hole in my life and I'm frustrated as I'm continuing to live a half life in LA.
I have fallen out with friends over the past year. A woman who I thought was a friend chose to stay friends with C knowing how much he had hurt me. In the same situation I would have ended the acquaintance in order to honour the friendship. She chose not to discuss the end of our friendship instead choosing to delete me from Facebook and Skype. I hope it's worth it.
For the first time this week I have considered moving to the East coast. Pig has been ill and faced with the prospect of her dying I know I need to make choices for myself not based on an emotional reaction or doing something for someone else. I have sent out resumes to two companies so far this week with the idea being that I might go and look at Rhode Island. Crazy idea but there's a strategy for the first time. I'm contacting companies who can use my international background as they have European offices. I am ready for a new challenge and I'm tired of treading water here in LA. I'm doing work which isn't challenging me, I'm down to a handful of friends and I'm ready (as I have been for a while) for a change. The difference now is that I'm not running away. I'm making an informed choice based on not wanting to spend the rest of my life living here. I started to feel excited yesterday. Rhode Island is a sailing mecca where there are bays and islands. I could get back into sailing on my own terms, maybe row and kayak. House prices are reasonable and I could get Pig there by driving across country.
So I have it all sorted out in my mind. I just need a job to entice me to go.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Back to the Blog of Doom
It's been several months since I wrote and on one hand things have progressed and yet, I feel as though I've regressed in other areas. I'm having so many misunderstandings with people that I feel at the rate I'm going there will be very few people left who have any desire to celebrate my birthday with me.
On the work front things are slow, scarily so and I'm constantly worrying about money. If I don't get paying work soon I think I can survive for about four months (at my current state) and then in August I should have $10,000 from a CD so that should get me to the end of the year roughly. After that I don't like to think what might happen. I know my parents will help me but honestly, to be rapidly approaching 40 and having to ask one's parents for help, it's really not where I thought I'd be.
Career-wise things have been challenging. I keep sending out submissions and they disappear into the void of the universe although to be honest that's not entirely true. This week I contacted a gift company who have responded to my work, I sent them a submission of Holiday designs and this afternoon I had a positive response to my submission to a fabric company. I just need something to come in and I'll feel a lot more secure.
And so to my poor broken heart. Well, still fairly well broken to be honest. I know I need to let go of the past and move on but I'm finding it very hard to do. Today I had to send an email because I'm unable to access my business websites which are hosted on his server - perhaps the lesson is that I need to move them so I have total control. Perhaps. I really want to move on, I do. I'm tired of the pain of the last year, I'm tired of not getting on with people, struggling to make ends meet, waiting for the next issue to arise. I have seriously had enough.
On a marginally more positive note, I'm looking after myself extremely well. No alcohol for three weeks now, a vegetarian gluten-free diet to see if I can get my allergies under control. Evenings walks to the beach as I try to clear my head. I feel I'm doing it all but I just can't seem to get out of the rut.
It's strange really because the work I've done recently (over the past 9 months I suppose) has been fantastic. The job where I was fired last year has actually helped me get a better sense of the surface design world and generally I have tried to stay positive, believe in what I'm doing, not take anything personally and so on. Not that you'd know from reading this but that's been my intention. Anyway, I'm back and I intend to keep writing and hopefully, eventually this won't be the blog of doom anymore. I really, really hope so because this is shit otherwise.
On the work front things are slow, scarily so and I'm constantly worrying about money. If I don't get paying work soon I think I can survive for about four months (at my current state) and then in August I should have $10,000 from a CD so that should get me to the end of the year roughly. After that I don't like to think what might happen. I know my parents will help me but honestly, to be rapidly approaching 40 and having to ask one's parents for help, it's really not where I thought I'd be.
Career-wise things have been challenging. I keep sending out submissions and they disappear into the void of the universe although to be honest that's not entirely true. This week I contacted a gift company who have responded to my work, I sent them a submission of Holiday designs and this afternoon I had a positive response to my submission to a fabric company. I just need something to come in and I'll feel a lot more secure.
And so to my poor broken heart. Well, still fairly well broken to be honest. I know I need to let go of the past and move on but I'm finding it very hard to do. Today I had to send an email because I'm unable to access my business websites which are hosted on his server - perhaps the lesson is that I need to move them so I have total control. Perhaps. I really want to move on, I do. I'm tired of the pain of the last year, I'm tired of not getting on with people, struggling to make ends meet, waiting for the next issue to arise. I have seriously had enough.
On a marginally more positive note, I'm looking after myself extremely well. No alcohol for three weeks now, a vegetarian gluten-free diet to see if I can get my allergies under control. Evenings walks to the beach as I try to clear my head. I feel I'm doing it all but I just can't seem to get out of the rut.
It's strange really because the work I've done recently (over the past 9 months I suppose) has been fantastic. The job where I was fired last year has actually helped me get a better sense of the surface design world and generally I have tried to stay positive, believe in what I'm doing, not take anything personally and so on. Not that you'd know from reading this but that's been my intention. Anyway, I'm back and I intend to keep writing and hopefully, eventually this won't be the blog of doom anymore. I really, really hope so because this is shit otherwise.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Monday, December 22, 2008
Life Begins
It serves me right for opening my Christmas present early... a book from my biological mother called "Life Begins... It's Never Too Late to Start Again."
It's about a 40 year old woman who just got divorced, can't move house, has trouble with her 12 year old son and her friend's husband has tried to crack on to her.
Really, I can't imagine why she'd send it to me! I'm approaching 40, just went through a breakup, have a 12 year old dog who's had health issues this year, am ready to move. The only part missing is the friend's husband but I'm sure I can work on that. Perhaps she thought I could relate!
Luckily my instinct was to laugh because otherwise I'm stumped. Also, this is the person who told me I'd "filled out" on my 38th birthday. Always a good idea to tell a woman (in her late thirties) that she's gained weight and what better day to do it than on her birthday!
Not surprisingly the book (because of course I had to inflict it on myself) was absolute rubbish. The woman ends up meeting a new man so of course all is well with the world. She has no career, lives her life through her child, is completely unaware of her beauty and is unable to take care of herself.
Such a shame - I think it could have made a great comedy.
The title made me laugh anyway.
It's about a 40 year old woman who just got divorced, can't move house, has trouble with her 12 year old son and her friend's husband has tried to crack on to her.
Really, I can't imagine why she'd send it to me! I'm approaching 40, just went through a breakup, have a 12 year old dog who's had health issues this year, am ready to move. The only part missing is the friend's husband but I'm sure I can work on that. Perhaps she thought I could relate!
Luckily my instinct was to laugh because otherwise I'm stumped. Also, this is the person who told me I'd "filled out" on my 38th birthday. Always a good idea to tell a woman (in her late thirties) that she's gained weight and what better day to do it than on her birthday!
Not surprisingly the book (because of course I had to inflict it on myself) was absolute rubbish. The woman ends up meeting a new man so of course all is well with the world. She has no career, lives her life through her child, is completely unaware of her beauty and is unable to take care of herself.
Such a shame - I think it could have made a great comedy.
The title made me laugh anyway.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
So Very Venice
I've lived in Venice now for many years and have seen many changes during that time. From the days when things were a little bit rough, Venice is now quite the happening place, million dollar houses, lots of families and lots of new expensive shops and restaurants. Apparently no one told the residents of Venice about this recession we're supposedly in.
Last night I met a friend for dinner at the latest restaurant on Abbot Kinney, the local (and extremely popular) street in Venice. The newest addition is called AK; I can't imagine where the inspiration for the name came from - they must have struggled for hours. Architecturally it was good, the bar was nice, the ambiance (and the bartender) welcoming. It was a dark, wet, cold evening in Venice, not a regular occurrence in this area and so I had expected empty tables. Apparently not.
Without a reservation we could sit at the bar. I like eating at bars so that was fine. My friend was delayed (in wet weather people here go into shock at the sight of rain) so I ordered a glass of wine and read the menu. Challenging. Since becoming a faux new age Californian I've stopped eating meat so that wiped out three quarters of the options. There were mussels (with duck sausage,) a few fish options (at great expense $31 for an entree) and so it was the small plates I looked at. Even employing the approach of "If I could have anything what would I have?" I still struggled.
By this time my friend had arrived and we were busy catching up. We both ordered onion soup which came with a brie crouton. That was fine, nothing too exciting but nice. We then split what was supposed to be an artichoke salad with the artichoke prepared three ways. It was perhaps the most dismal salad I've ever seen and the artichoke was barely edible. For $15 it was an outrageous rip off and we ended up with a bill for $84. Luckily the wine was good or the entire experience would have been a complete waste but the conversation was good (although after one glass of wine I started rambling and it's apparent I can no longer hold my alcohol.)
All in all the evening was a total rip off but fun was had and I won't be rushing back to AK. I proceeded to come home, get into bed and watch Sex and the City (my four new friends) and eat a bowl of muesli. Now that's what I call fun these days!
Last night I met a friend for dinner at the latest restaurant on Abbot Kinney, the local (and extremely popular) street in Venice. The newest addition is called AK; I can't imagine where the inspiration for the name came from - they must have struggled for hours. Architecturally it was good, the bar was nice, the ambiance (and the bartender) welcoming. It was a dark, wet, cold evening in Venice, not a regular occurrence in this area and so I had expected empty tables. Apparently not.
Without a reservation we could sit at the bar. I like eating at bars so that was fine. My friend was delayed (in wet weather people here go into shock at the sight of rain) so I ordered a glass of wine and read the menu. Challenging. Since becoming a faux new age Californian I've stopped eating meat so that wiped out three quarters of the options. There were mussels (with duck sausage,) a few fish options (at great expense $31 for an entree) and so it was the small plates I looked at. Even employing the approach of "If I could have anything what would I have?" I still struggled.
By this time my friend had arrived and we were busy catching up. We both ordered onion soup which came with a brie crouton. That was fine, nothing too exciting but nice. We then split what was supposed to be an artichoke salad with the artichoke prepared three ways. It was perhaps the most dismal salad I've ever seen and the artichoke was barely edible. For $15 it was an outrageous rip off and we ended up with a bill for $84. Luckily the wine was good or the entire experience would have been a complete waste but the conversation was good (although after one glass of wine I started rambling and it's apparent I can no longer hold my alcohol.)
All in all the evening was a total rip off but fun was had and I won't be rushing back to AK. I proceeded to come home, get into bed and watch Sex and the City (my four new friends) and eat a bowl of muesli. Now that's what I call fun these days!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Cold but good
Definitely a better day.
Yesterday I was so cold and miserable that in the end I gave up and got into bed with a hot water bottle at about 6pm. I have to laugh at myself - for someone who says "What Would Catherine Deneuve Do?" instead of "What Would Jesus Do?" my style is sadly lacking at the moment. At least I was wearing a cashmere scarf with my dressing gown and old man slippers but still, there are too many times at the moment when I'm glad no one can see me.
Today though, a huge improvement as I almost bounced out of bed at 6:30(am that is) and fed the Pig. I've been very productive, invoiced wfm, collected mail, set up a facebook page for my toys and generally did things I've been putting off. It's still very cold though and for one who claims they're going to live in France (with a sexy Frenchman I'm yet to meet) this could be a challenge.
I do maintain that the buildings in California are about as useful as cardboard boxes. It's for the earthquakes so I'm told but really I think the building quality is just crap. The shoebox I currently live in has no insulation, windows which don't close and one gas wall heater which heats up the ceiling beautifully. It's really quite joyous which is why the hot water bottle is currently my best friend. That and the toasty warm Pig who is sleeping on the bed again - hurray for a fat, furry dog.
As it's now 5pm and getting dark (it would be dark by 3pm in Paris I suppose) I'm thinking about wrapping things up work-wise. More challenges tomorrow as I continue to try and tie up more of the loose ends but at the rate I'm going I may even do my accounting before Christmas - does the excitement never end?
Yesterday I was so cold and miserable that in the end I gave up and got into bed with a hot water bottle at about 6pm. I have to laugh at myself - for someone who says "What Would Catherine Deneuve Do?" instead of "What Would Jesus Do?" my style is sadly lacking at the moment. At least I was wearing a cashmere scarf with my dressing gown and old man slippers but still, there are too many times at the moment when I'm glad no one can see me.
Today though, a huge improvement as I almost bounced out of bed at 6:30(am that is) and fed the Pig. I've been very productive, invoiced wfm, collected mail, set up a facebook page for my toys and generally did things I've been putting off. It's still very cold though and for one who claims they're going to live in France (with a sexy Frenchman I'm yet to meet) this could be a challenge.
I do maintain that the buildings in California are about as useful as cardboard boxes. It's for the earthquakes so I'm told but really I think the building quality is just crap. The shoebox I currently live in has no insulation, windows which don't close and one gas wall heater which heats up the ceiling beautifully. It's really quite joyous which is why the hot water bottle is currently my best friend. That and the toasty warm Pig who is sleeping on the bed again - hurray for a fat, furry dog.
As it's now 5pm and getting dark (it would be dark by 3pm in Paris I suppose) I'm thinking about wrapping things up work-wise. More challenges tomorrow as I continue to try and tie up more of the loose ends but at the rate I'm going I may even do my accounting before Christmas - does the excitement never end?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Rain
It's been raining all night and I'm been awake for most of it. Too much wine last night, meeting a man who had found me attractive (who left the scene very quickly so perhaps not taken with my personality,) reading a soppy book and so this morning, I cried a little. I know it's the alcohol in my body, I know it's the sound of the rain pouring relentlessly and I know it's the impending festive season but it didn't stop me from having a sad moment which isn't quite over. Memories are with me and it's going to take a monumental effort this morning to drag myself up and out of a potential place of almost self-inflicted misery.
Rationally I know it's mostly the booze talking, that the man wasn't interesting to me (I was bored very quickly) and that I just want to get through the next few weeks. Start a new year and hope it's somewhat better than this year. I've had enough challenges for a while. I'm ready for some good news, some fun and a few laughs but this morning, they're alluding me.
Now I face a day at home, work for money seems to have stopped and with this being the last full week before Christmas I doubt there's much work on the horizon. Perhaps hibernation might be an option. At this point I wouldn't mind hibernating for the next nine months as apparently things will be better by next September...
Rationally I know it's mostly the booze talking, that the man wasn't interesting to me (I was bored very quickly) and that I just want to get through the next few weeks. Start a new year and hope it's somewhat better than this year. I've had enough challenges for a while. I'm ready for some good news, some fun and a few laughs but this morning, they're alluding me.
Now I face a day at home, work for money seems to have stopped and with this being the last full week before Christmas I doubt there's much work on the horizon. Perhaps hibernation might be an option. At this point I wouldn't mind hibernating for the next nine months as apparently things will be better by next September...
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Faux New Age Californian
Having lived in Los Angeles for more years than I can poke a stick at, I have finally given up the fight and embraced the pseudo new age lifestyle which is so popular here. I no longer eat meat (but I do eat seafood and animal products,) I am switching from cow to goat as I hear goats refuse to be factory farmed (and I do love a stubborn animal) but I'm a total hypocrite as I sit here wearing leather and wool and I own a delicious sheepskin jacket which I affectionately call Lambikin. (I have a habit of naming my favourite clothes but that might make me sound insane.)
To continue on with my New Age approach I'm into astrology (mostly looking for answers or to have hope after a fairly crap year) and my most recent foray - a visit to an astrological life coach!
The life coach told me (reading from my chart of course) that I would marry twice, the first marriage would be an illusion but the second marriage would be lasting. That's great news because I married in Vegas at the age of 25 and was married for 6 months. Mostly for immigration reasons (which then weren't fulfilled) and the whole thing was a joke. Apparently I will be marrying an adventurer so that's very exciting. I like a bit of adventure!
Other things - I'll be moving in the next year within Los Angeles but it will be my last move alone. There'll be a big legal contract next year which will be great, 40 will be fabulous for me (excellent news because 38 and 39 have hardly been spectacular) but most surprising, by 44 I'll be famous. Indeed I have no idea how that's going to happen and quite frankly it's never been something I've sought but I'm very excited because I'm hopeful one can't be famous and poor at the same time.
I told my skeptical mother who said she rather fancied being the mother of someone famous so that settles it then. No pressure of course!
To continue on with my New Age approach I'm into astrology (mostly looking for answers or to have hope after a fairly crap year) and my most recent foray - a visit to an astrological life coach!
The life coach told me (reading from my chart of course) that I would marry twice, the first marriage would be an illusion but the second marriage would be lasting. That's great news because I married in Vegas at the age of 25 and was married for 6 months. Mostly for immigration reasons (which then weren't fulfilled) and the whole thing was a joke. Apparently I will be marrying an adventurer so that's very exciting. I like a bit of adventure!
Other things - I'll be moving in the next year within Los Angeles but it will be my last move alone. There'll be a big legal contract next year which will be great, 40 will be fabulous for me (excellent news because 38 and 39 have hardly been spectacular) but most surprising, by 44 I'll be famous. Indeed I have no idea how that's going to happen and quite frankly it's never been something I've sought but I'm very excited because I'm hopeful one can't be famous and poor at the same time.
I told my skeptical mother who said she rather fancied being the mother of someone famous so that settles it then. No pressure of course!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Howling at the moon
It's a crazy full moon tomorrow. There's all sorts of stuff which is supposed to be happening (I read a lot of horoscopes) but so far things continue to be good.
WFM has slowed down which is a shame as I've been enjoying the prospect of money in the bank but I'm sure there will be other things coming up. Perhaps I was a bit too fast in telling C I no longer wanted his guilt money. Ah well, it was a false sense of security and who really wants money from a man who no longer wants to be with you? Pride doesn't pay the bills I know, but when money is attached to someone who lied to you and cheated on you, then pride goes a hell of a long way in regaining one's self esteem.
Bitter? No. Angry? Indeed and it's about time. Victim no more. I am sad that our relationship ended the way it did. I'm sad I had to find out about the lies from someone else but do I wish for the past? No.
On an incredibly positive note, I'm heading back to the UK for New Year. I'm very excited to start a new tradition... fun at the holidays. C was a big scrooge - there's nothing like a tight millionaire who decides that we'll have a $25 gift limit to take the fun out of things! Unfair of me, I know. There were other gifts through the year but sometimes it's nice to jump on the commercial bandwagon and actually enjoy Christmas. I certainly plan to this year.
So two weeks until I leave. There's a lot to be done even without Work For Money. I have loose ends to tie up. I want to start 2009 with a spring my step, money in my pocket and a fat, curly dog on the end of a lead. So far we're on track for all three but this year still may have a surprise or two up its sleeve.
WFM has slowed down which is a shame as I've been enjoying the prospect of money in the bank but I'm sure there will be other things coming up. Perhaps I was a bit too fast in telling C I no longer wanted his guilt money. Ah well, it was a false sense of security and who really wants money from a man who no longer wants to be with you? Pride doesn't pay the bills I know, but when money is attached to someone who lied to you and cheated on you, then pride goes a hell of a long way in regaining one's self esteem.
Bitter? No. Angry? Indeed and it's about time. Victim no more. I am sad that our relationship ended the way it did. I'm sad I had to find out about the lies from someone else but do I wish for the past? No.
On an incredibly positive note, I'm heading back to the UK for New Year. I'm very excited to start a new tradition... fun at the holidays. C was a big scrooge - there's nothing like a tight millionaire who decides that we'll have a $25 gift limit to take the fun out of things! Unfair of me, I know. There were other gifts through the year but sometimes it's nice to jump on the commercial bandwagon and actually enjoy Christmas. I certainly plan to this year.
So two weeks until I leave. There's a lot to be done even without Work For Money. I have loose ends to tie up. I want to start 2009 with a spring my step, money in my pocket and a fat, curly dog on the end of a lead. So far we're on track for all three but this year still may have a surprise or two up its sleeve.
Friday, December 5, 2008
December
I've been working for money lately (WFM as I like to refer it) and things are better... financially although I'm still on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I will be really glad when Christmas is over, this year is over and I can think of 2009 as a fresh start.
I'm not really in the mood to write but have to say that I'm surviving, I'm proud of what I've accomplished and while I may have lost a man I loved, I've gained a family, I've realised who my true friends are (all two of them!) and my dog has returned from the grave, now with extra fur!
Funnily enough Pig has been taking hormones for her condition. At first all her fur fell out and I was faced with an almost bald Pig who was also about to lose an eye due to a corneal ulcer. A long boring story which involves Pig wearing a cone on her head for two months during which time I was given the choice between a $4000 cornea surgery to repair the eye or a $2000 surgery to remove the eye. Hmmm, now that's a choice. I decided to let nature take its course. I gave Pig the options (I did actually sit down and attempt to discuss it with her although she didn't appear to be listening and I knew I was crossing that very fine line between sanity and the other place) but amazingly, Pig started to heal and the insanely-expensive eye vet has now declared the ulcer healed. Pig will now have a cloudy patch on her eye and her vision is compromised but you'd never know it as she is back on form, throwing balls at me and barking her way around the neighbourhood. Not bad for a dog who I thought was on her last legs. Oh, and the extra fur bit - seems like Pig is now sporting a curly perm. She grew an entire new coat in a day (I'm not joking) and it's thick, lush, curly and very, very ginger. But she's lovely and she's started sleeping on the bed again so after months of separate beds, Pig and I have fallen in love again. It's nice to have her back.
I'm not really in the mood to write but have to say that I'm surviving, I'm proud of what I've accomplished and while I may have lost a man I loved, I've gained a family, I've realised who my true friends are (all two of them!) and my dog has returned from the grave, now with extra fur!
Funnily enough Pig has been taking hormones for her condition. At first all her fur fell out and I was faced with an almost bald Pig who was also about to lose an eye due to a corneal ulcer. A long boring story which involves Pig wearing a cone on her head for two months during which time I was given the choice between a $4000 cornea surgery to repair the eye or a $2000 surgery to remove the eye. Hmmm, now that's a choice. I decided to let nature take its course. I gave Pig the options (I did actually sit down and attempt to discuss it with her although she didn't appear to be listening and I knew I was crossing that very fine line between sanity and the other place) but amazingly, Pig started to heal and the insanely-expensive eye vet has now declared the ulcer healed. Pig will now have a cloudy patch on her eye and her vision is compromised but you'd never know it as she is back on form, throwing balls at me and barking her way around the neighbourhood. Not bad for a dog who I thought was on her last legs. Oh, and the extra fur bit - seems like Pig is now sporting a curly perm. She grew an entire new coat in a day (I'm not joking) and it's thick, lush, curly and very, very ginger. But she's lovely and she's started sleeping on the bed again so after months of separate beds, Pig and I have fallen in love again. It's nice to have her back.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Back in New York
Well, New Jersey to be honest. I'm tired though after taking a red eye last night and I'm feeling a little fragile emotionally. I know I need to stop thinking about C. I know I need to stop missing him, missing what I thought we had and try and move on with my life but it's so hard.
I know he won't be back, our relationship was too damaged by the time he finally met someone else but I'm in so much pain, constantly looking back instead of looking forward. I know all the logical, rational thoughts. I know he was never going to commit to me, that our relationship was stagnant, that I wanted more, that I was frustrated and yet I took the smaller and smaller crumbs he tossed my own until now, there's nothing and I'm hurting.
It's almost a month since we spoke. The longest time in the past six years that I haven't had contact and I feel as though I've lost a limb. I suppose if I'm honest, I've lost a crutch because I leaned on him so heavily. I agonize over my loss everyday and wish I could have done something differently, wish that I could go back but then I wonder, was it all really me? Does his past behaviour indicate how he'll be in the future and I think it will.
Throughout C's past he has moved or run away when things have got too hard. And whatever relationship he's been in has been severed, conveniently by the move. If I'm rational about it, his decision to buy the house in Key West was his decision to end the relationship. He claimed I pushed and pushed him until he jumped but the reality, he created a situation so intolerable, I had no alternative.
So why now am I sitting here feeling destroyed? The simple reason is that I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I ask myself the question, where do I want to live? and I can't answer.
I know I want to share my life with someone. I know I want to love again and learn from my mistakes. I know I want success in my career and I know I want money. I want to make my own money and be financially secure.
I am trying to follow the law of attraction. Ask - Believe - Receive but I'm having a hard time believing. What makes me feel I'm not worthy? I have no idea... yet. I have decided that I can't be with anyone until I can answer the questions for myself - what do I want, where do I want to live and what do I want to do? Until then, I think I'm going to be alone, working things out slowly.
I know he won't be back, our relationship was too damaged by the time he finally met someone else but I'm in so much pain, constantly looking back instead of looking forward. I know all the logical, rational thoughts. I know he was never going to commit to me, that our relationship was stagnant, that I wanted more, that I was frustrated and yet I took the smaller and smaller crumbs he tossed my own until now, there's nothing and I'm hurting.
It's almost a month since we spoke. The longest time in the past six years that I haven't had contact and I feel as though I've lost a limb. I suppose if I'm honest, I've lost a crutch because I leaned on him so heavily. I agonize over my loss everyday and wish I could have done something differently, wish that I could go back but then I wonder, was it all really me? Does his past behaviour indicate how he'll be in the future and I think it will.
Throughout C's past he has moved or run away when things have got too hard. And whatever relationship he's been in has been severed, conveniently by the move. If I'm rational about it, his decision to buy the house in Key West was his decision to end the relationship. He claimed I pushed and pushed him until he jumped but the reality, he created a situation so intolerable, I had no alternative.
So why now am I sitting here feeling destroyed? The simple reason is that I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I ask myself the question, where do I want to live? and I can't answer.
I know I want to share my life with someone. I know I want to love again and learn from my mistakes. I know I want success in my career and I know I want money. I want to make my own money and be financially secure.
I am trying to follow the law of attraction. Ask - Believe - Receive but I'm having a hard time believing. What makes me feel I'm not worthy? I have no idea... yet. I have decided that I can't be with anyone until I can answer the questions for myself - what do I want, where do I want to live and what do I want to do? Until then, I think I'm going to be alone, working things out slowly.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Focus on money
Since C and I officially went our separate ways I have had to face the reality of money or to be honest, a complete lack of it. C was helping me for a long time while I focused on setting up my product line (which can't support me at the moment.) I counted up everything I had, counted it again and panicked! Seriously panicked. If I ate nothing, paid the bills, fed Pig and never went out I figured I could survive for six months assuming I couldn't get any work.
Then I added up everything I had again and realised that I'd been a bit optimistic and that realistically (given Pig's medical bills) that I was looking at about 4 months. I panicked again and kept panicking for a while.
My friend kindly offered me her spare room if things got so bad I was evicted. At the age of 39 it's hard to imagine having to move into someone's spare room or having to move in with my parents. Yikes!
It was time to send out some resumes and start asking people for help. One thing I've learned this year is that I can't do this on my own. In the past I've soldiered on, me against the world fighting to survive. Well not anymore. Now I ask for help. I've emailed friends, colleagues and clients asking for work or to keep me in mind. Begging but trying not to appear desperate as that always has the kiss of death.
So this week I had an interview and a positive response. I've swallowed my pride and I'm starting again because pride does not pay the bills. The interview went well and they want me to do some freelance work to see how things go. That's encouraging and I am trying not to count my chickens. I also picked up a small freelance project doing some work for friends so it's one day at a cheery time.
I'm off to New York this week for a meeting with a publisher but the fact is that my product line is going to be a part time thing after this week as Pig needs to have her medication and weekly vet bills paid for, and I might need to eat occasionally!
Then I added up everything I had again and realised that I'd been a bit optimistic and that realistically (given Pig's medical bills) that I was looking at about 4 months. I panicked again and kept panicking for a while.
My friend kindly offered me her spare room if things got so bad I was evicted. At the age of 39 it's hard to imagine having to move into someone's spare room or having to move in with my parents. Yikes!
It was time to send out some resumes and start asking people for help. One thing I've learned this year is that I can't do this on my own. In the past I've soldiered on, me against the world fighting to survive. Well not anymore. Now I ask for help. I've emailed friends, colleagues and clients asking for work or to keep me in mind. Begging but trying not to appear desperate as that always has the kiss of death.
So this week I had an interview and a positive response. I've swallowed my pride and I'm starting again because pride does not pay the bills. The interview went well and they want me to do some freelance work to see how things go. That's encouraging and I am trying not to count my chickens. I also picked up a small freelance project doing some work for friends so it's one day at a cheery time.
I'm off to New York this week for a meeting with a publisher but the fact is that my product line is going to be a part time thing after this week as Pig needs to have her medication and weekly vet bills paid for, and I might need to eat occasionally!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Public Transport LA Style
It's true what they say about LA - there is no public transport. That is unless you brave the Metro which is precisely what I did tonight. I live in Venice and was going downtown with a friend to the Artwalk. Her suggestion - let's take the Metro. I was game so off we went.
Except I left my house at 3:30pm, drove to her house 15 minutes away. Then we drove from her house to the Metro station (probably another 10 minutes,) parked the car and eventually managed to buy tickets (a very confusing system.) Then on one train (the green line) then changed to the blue line then changed to the red line. We finally made it to downtown an hour and a half later. Funnily enough the drive from Venice on one freeway takes between 20 and 30 minutes but then you have the cost of petrol and parking compared to the $5 it cost for the Metro.
And we did see a blind man take his glass eye out which you don't get in your car. I loved his wit but then he started begging for money and the moment was gone.
The art (of course) was self indulgent and very dubious but we found a nice bistro and enjoyed a glass of wine and slivers of cheese. We talked about recent emotional events (we have a lot in common) and after a surprisingly pleasant evening, we took the Metro back to her car, it was quicker on the way back, only an hour and so by 9:30 I was home, feeding my Pig and getting ready for bed (I tend to keep East Coast hours and was up at 5:30 this morning.)
All in all, I'm surviving. It's still one day at a time but with each day that passes I feel more resolved that this is the right thing, that C and I could not be together and while I fantasize about him coming back and admitting his mistake, I constantly repeat my new mantra - based on what I now know, would I want him back? My answer - NO!!
On another topic, I'm heading back to NY for a meeting on October 22nd. I have a lot to do (like reinvent my brand again) but I've made some excellent progress this week including a rewritten manuscript for a story about C and his dog. It's an incredibly moving story, I sobbed as I wrote it and I can't be trusted not to reread it just for a bit of self inflicted misery! Seriously, it's that good (but then I'm biased.) Originally I was writing it as my farewell to C and to be honest, there's part of me that hopes it will make him realise what he's lost. Of course I hope that, I'm only human but I'm also very proud of this story - I've rewritten it five times in the past few weeks and I've channeled my pain into it.
And so to bed. Pig is stretched out on the floor exuding a lovely old doggy smell which I'm sure would put off potential suitors if there were any (quel surprise, there aren't) but I'm ready to sleep and I think that might even be on the cards tonight!
Except I left my house at 3:30pm, drove to her house 15 minutes away. Then we drove from her house to the Metro station (probably another 10 minutes,) parked the car and eventually managed to buy tickets (a very confusing system.) Then on one train (the green line) then changed to the blue line then changed to the red line. We finally made it to downtown an hour and a half later. Funnily enough the drive from Venice on one freeway takes between 20 and 30 minutes but then you have the cost of petrol and parking compared to the $5 it cost for the Metro.
And we did see a blind man take his glass eye out which you don't get in your car. I loved his wit but then he started begging for money and the moment was gone.
The art (of course) was self indulgent and very dubious but we found a nice bistro and enjoyed a glass of wine and slivers of cheese. We talked about recent emotional events (we have a lot in common) and after a surprisingly pleasant evening, we took the Metro back to her car, it was quicker on the way back, only an hour and so by 9:30 I was home, feeding my Pig and getting ready for bed (I tend to keep East Coast hours and was up at 5:30 this morning.)
All in all, I'm surviving. It's still one day at a time but with each day that passes I feel more resolved that this is the right thing, that C and I could not be together and while I fantasize about him coming back and admitting his mistake, I constantly repeat my new mantra - based on what I now know, would I want him back? My answer - NO!!
On another topic, I'm heading back to NY for a meeting on October 22nd. I have a lot to do (like reinvent my brand again) but I've made some excellent progress this week including a rewritten manuscript for a story about C and his dog. It's an incredibly moving story, I sobbed as I wrote it and I can't be trusted not to reread it just for a bit of self inflicted misery! Seriously, it's that good (but then I'm biased.) Originally I was writing it as my farewell to C and to be honest, there's part of me that hopes it will make him realise what he's lost. Of course I hope that, I'm only human but I'm also very proud of this story - I've rewritten it five times in the past few weeks and I've channeled my pain into it.
And so to bed. Pig is stretched out on the floor exuding a lovely old doggy smell which I'm sure would put off potential suitors if there were any (quel surprise, there aren't) but I'm ready to sleep and I think that might even be on the cards tonight!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Everything happens for a reason
I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since C called me. From disbelief, great sadness, heartache, physical pain and nausea, unable to sleep, unable to eat. I've found out things about our relationship which have threatened to spoil the memories of what we had and today has been no exception, another difficult day with pain and heartache except that I think, I hope that I'm starting to change.
I went for a bike ride this evening and looked at the ocean. I locked my bike and walked down to the water. I cried for what we had and what we have lost but then I realised that C had come into my life for a reason and while I may be the latest casualty in a long line of women who have tried to love him, I am stronger for the life I have shared with him.
Everything points to my work. C came into my life to encourage me to change, to see the possibilities and to have the confidence and drive to follow my dream. Everything that has happened in the last year has pointed to the fact that I need to be doing this.
I tried getting a job, and I was fired. When I went away sailing with C, I knew I had to be doing my own work, that I needed my own passion. C has had his business, he's succeeded in that and he's earned his freedom. I'm yet to do that.
While the pain is certainly not over and I am still hurting, I am trying to see this from a different perspective. I came into C's life to help him through his divorce so maybe he came into my life to help me find my direction. I am starting to understand that this is the feeling of gratitude I was meant to feel when I spoke to the astrologist last year. She said to me that I needed to approach my relationship from a place of gratitude and maybe, I'm finally starting to understand that.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I resolved the issues I had with my family and I'm starting to rebuild my sense of self. It's been a difficult year as I haven't embraced the change up until now because it's been painful and my fear of the unknown has been terrifying but hopefully I'm starting to see that all these things are happening because I need to change. To stop making the same mistakes and to finally change my patterns.
I went for a bike ride this evening and looked at the ocean. I locked my bike and walked down to the water. I cried for what we had and what we have lost but then I realised that C had come into my life for a reason and while I may be the latest casualty in a long line of women who have tried to love him, I am stronger for the life I have shared with him.
Everything points to my work. C came into my life to encourage me to change, to see the possibilities and to have the confidence and drive to follow my dream. Everything that has happened in the last year has pointed to the fact that I need to be doing this.
I tried getting a job, and I was fired. When I went away sailing with C, I knew I had to be doing my own work, that I needed my own passion. C has had his business, he's succeeded in that and he's earned his freedom. I'm yet to do that.
While the pain is certainly not over and I am still hurting, I am trying to see this from a different perspective. I came into C's life to help him through his divorce so maybe he came into my life to help me find my direction. I am starting to understand that this is the feeling of gratitude I was meant to feel when I spoke to the astrologist last year. She said to me that I needed to approach my relationship from a place of gratitude and maybe, I'm finally starting to understand that.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I resolved the issues I had with my family and I'm starting to rebuild my sense of self. It's been a difficult year as I haven't embraced the change up until now because it's been painful and my fear of the unknown has been terrifying but hopefully I'm starting to see that all these things are happening because I need to change. To stop making the same mistakes and to finally change my patterns.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A Revelation (to me at least)
The past couple of days have been a huge revelation as I have come to think that I am codependent. This is a summary as I'm trying to get my thoughts straight...
Last week my six year relationship ended. It had been dying for a while but my boyfriend called me and told me he had met someone else. I had been hanging on for months hoping we could resolve things and find our way through a hard time.
On the surface he's the perfect man. Tall, rich and incredibly good looking and we were very compatible. I thought we would be together forever and I've been struggling through the pain. Yesterday I found a book called "Men Who Can't Love" and read it from cover to cover. I realized that my partner was commitmentphobic.
We met when he was going through a very bad divorce and I allowed myself to get drawn into his situation. I took on a lot of the divorce, I even helped him with the paperwork. After the divorce things were better. We traveled a lot and I put my career on hold, left my dog with friends for long periods of time in order to be able to travel extensively and generally lost my sense of self. I stopped working and allowed him to support me which made me totally dependent on him. He convinced me it was something I wanted as I hadn't been happy doing the work I was doing.
About three years ago I left him and came home. I collected my dog and started working in a new field. A couple of months later he followed me back and we stayed together.
We started spending more time apart, traveling separately but I was doing everything I could to regain my independence - as I believed it would bring him back to me and everything would be ok again. Things finally came to a head earlier this year when he bought a house on the other side of the country from where we live. He told me it was a holiday home for his family and I tried to believe it but eventually he went there and I stayed at home working.
We stayed in contact and I did everything to try and reconcile with him. I told him I loved him and wanted to work through this. I took all the blame, it was my fault things had gone wrong.
Three weeks ago we were still talking about getting together to talk about our future. Then a week ago he called me and told me he'd met someone else. I asked if there was anything I could do or say and he said no.
I have cut all contact, deleted numbers, emails and removed belongings so I feel I've done something right but it is very painful. It's a week tomorrow since he called and I haven't made any attempt to contact him. I've stayed off his blog.
Last night I found a journal I'd kept when we first met. Back then I knew things were wrong and I was going to end the relationship after a couple of months - I had recognized the signs. It's SIX years later and the relationship only ended a week ago. What happened?
I suppose what I'm left with is the feeling that if he has a fear of commitment and I'm codependent, I made so many compromises to make it work that I would have done anything to be with him.
I do not ever want this to happen again. I've had issues in the past and I lose my sense of self completely, I thought he was more important than me and I allowed myself to become a victim.
So now I have a challenge on my hands. It's too late for C and I, he's gone and if I'm a rational, he was never going to make a commitment to me, he couldn't tell me he loved me and I was desperately trying to hold on to him. I should have let him go a long time ago or never made the compromises in the first place. Hindsight hey?
I suppose at least I'm having a wake-up call now so I can do something about it. Better late than never I hope.
Learning from my mistakes
Last night I was started reading a book called "Men Who Can't Love." It is like reading about my relationship with C from confused start to bitter end. It is clear that he has commitment-issues and the lessons I'm learning will be ones to stay with me going into the future.
The other thing I found last night was a journal from the first few months C and I were together. I'm absolutely shocked reading it at how I let him treat me, how manic it all was. I constantly describe it as an emotional rollercoaster and what's really telling, I wanted to end things within two months of meeting him. Oh baby trust your instincts from now on. Don't allow someone to take over your life and always, retain your self of self.
At some point I might add those journal entries here so that I have them in a place where I can find them easily. I promise this to myself - I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way I was treated again.
I helped C through his divorce when we first met. He was in a terrible state and was also leaving his job as the company had been sold. Don't get me wrong, he owned the company and had made a lot of money. His ex-wife knew how to hurt him and was going for the money and he couldn't bear the thought of losing it. He was unreliable, drinking excessively, and behaving like a wounded animal.
I think I did a great job of helping him heal. He's in a much better place today than he was six years ago and in the process I put a lot of my own wants, needs and desires on hold. He has moved on, met someone else and perhaps this will be a good relationship for him now as I have helped him so much. But so what? Now my focus has to be me and as I move on from this, I take pride in my resilience and know that I WILL be ok. I have a long way to go and I still feel sick about things (physically nauseous when I think about him with someone else because I do still love him) but he was never going to commit to me in any way, he couldn't say he loved me and after six years, that's very sad.
It may take a while before I meet someone I'm attracted to. C is a very good looking man and a hard act to follow from a material standpoint. He's 6'4", blue eyes, tanned skin, salt and pepper hair. He has a boat, a collection of exotic cars, a house in Florida and a lot of money.
And I never have felt SO POOR as during the years I've been with him. He is so tight with his money unless it's something he wants for himself. During the 6 years we spent together I lived at the same level I had prior to meeting him, I still drive the same salvaged Beetle I drove when we met (he owns three cars worth over $100,000 each). While I may sound like a gold digger what I'm trying to say is that he never treated me as an equal. It wasn't that I wanted him to buy me a new car or a house but I wanted us to be a partnership, that he would want to treat me the way that he treated himself and that he would love me so much he would want to share his possessions.
This is such a good lesson that if I don't learn from this, if I make the same mistakes again then I get what I truly deserve. My promise to myself - don't ever let this happen again.
My love to me.
The other thing I found last night was a journal from the first few months C and I were together. I'm absolutely shocked reading it at how I let him treat me, how manic it all was. I constantly describe it as an emotional rollercoaster and what's really telling, I wanted to end things within two months of meeting him. Oh baby trust your instincts from now on. Don't allow someone to take over your life and always, retain your self of self.
At some point I might add those journal entries here so that I have them in a place where I can find them easily. I promise this to myself - I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way I was treated again.
I helped C through his divorce when we first met. He was in a terrible state and was also leaving his job as the company had been sold. Don't get me wrong, he owned the company and had made a lot of money. His ex-wife knew how to hurt him and was going for the money and he couldn't bear the thought of losing it. He was unreliable, drinking excessively, and behaving like a wounded animal.
I think I did a great job of helping him heal. He's in a much better place today than he was six years ago and in the process I put a lot of my own wants, needs and desires on hold. He has moved on, met someone else and perhaps this will be a good relationship for him now as I have helped him so much. But so what? Now my focus has to be me and as I move on from this, I take pride in my resilience and know that I WILL be ok. I have a long way to go and I still feel sick about things (physically nauseous when I think about him with someone else because I do still love him) but he was never going to commit to me in any way, he couldn't say he loved me and after six years, that's very sad.
It may take a while before I meet someone I'm attracted to. C is a very good looking man and a hard act to follow from a material standpoint. He's 6'4", blue eyes, tanned skin, salt and pepper hair. He has a boat, a collection of exotic cars, a house in Florida and a lot of money.
And I never have felt SO POOR as during the years I've been with him. He is so tight with his money unless it's something he wants for himself. During the 6 years we spent together I lived at the same level I had prior to meeting him, I still drive the same salvaged Beetle I drove when we met (he owns three cars worth over $100,000 each). While I may sound like a gold digger what I'm trying to say is that he never treated me as an equal. It wasn't that I wanted him to buy me a new car or a house but I wanted us to be a partnership, that he would want to treat me the way that he treated himself and that he would love me so much he would want to share his possessions.
This is such a good lesson that if I don't learn from this, if I make the same mistakes again then I get what I truly deserve. My promise to myself - don't ever let this happen again.
My love to me.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
And so it goes on...
I'm focusing on staying busy (or at least trying to) but the nights are bad. As soon as my head hits the pillow I hear C's voice repeating his news. I run over things again and again, how could I have been different? why didn't it work? why didn't he want to try again? but there's no answer and no solution.
The pain is back and it's bad. I try not to cry outside the house and I'm doing a fair job of getting by but it hurts and I worry that there won't be anyone else I love.
I feel so empty inside.
The pain is back and it's bad. I try not to cry outside the house and I'm doing a fair job of getting by but it hurts and I worry that there won't be anyone else I love.
I feel so empty inside.
Friday, September 26, 2008
the end and the beginning
After six months apart, C rang me yesterday and told me that he has met someone else. A week ago. Twelve days ago we were still talking about reaching a resolution (and in my mind, a reconciliation) so it came as a shock that after a week, he's decided that's it. I asked if there was anything I could do or say and he said no. I said I'd hoped we would find our way back to each other, that we could have sat down and talked things through but when it comes down to it, that's the end and there's nothing more to say.
I've moved (or am trying to move) into self-preservation. No contact whatsoever including blogs, email, skype and so on. It's over and the sooner I can draw a line under it and move on, the better.
I'm hopeful that what I went through earlier in the year will help me through this step. I've already been through the break up and the pain, I just hadn't wanted to accept it as final. Now it is.
I am concerned about my financial stability but I am so committed to continuing with my work. My first toys are in the stores, I'm working like mad to get more products developed, I'm updating the website constantly and talking to PR firms. I'm buggered if the fact that C is about to pull the plug on me financially will cause my work to stop or even fail. And what's more, I've written my bio for five years from now and I've added an addendum that I paid C $50,000 for his contribution to my business. That is what I want to be able to do and from a place where it's easy, I'll have so much money that $50K will be small change!
Oh, fantasy become a reality!
I've moved (or am trying to move) into self-preservation. No contact whatsoever including blogs, email, skype and so on. It's over and the sooner I can draw a line under it and move on, the better.
I'm hopeful that what I went through earlier in the year will help me through this step. I've already been through the break up and the pain, I just hadn't wanted to accept it as final. Now it is.
I am concerned about my financial stability but I am so committed to continuing with my work. My first toys are in the stores, I'm working like mad to get more products developed, I'm updating the website constantly and talking to PR firms. I'm buggered if the fact that C is about to pull the plug on me financially will cause my work to stop or even fail. And what's more, I've written my bio for five years from now and I've added an addendum that I paid C $50,000 for his contribution to my business. That is what I want to be able to do and from a place where it's easy, I'll have so much money that $50K will be small change!
Oh, fantasy become a reality!
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