The end of March

Last day of March. C leaves tomorrow morning to go to Key West. He will then go on to Ecuador to the boat. I don't think he'll be back here for a few weeks at the earliest.

We had dinner together tonight and I hoped for a revelation, a sign that he wanted to take a step together into the future. All I sensed was an unspoken goodbye. A friend but not a lover. I tried to keep it light (create pleasant experiences, love 100%, the wisdom of the self help books) and all the time I felt myself trying to hold back the tears.

We left things open. Hugged and kissed goodbye and said we would speak soon, that he would keep me posted and would be updating his house blog. He left.

I cried but only for a minute.

My father called and we spoke for a while. The dear thing is quite the optimist in his old age and keeps saying how compatible C and I are. He's right of course but as I explained the events of the past few days, I wonder if it's all just about staying friends for C.

The next few weeks will be very telling I think. Dad did say though that I shouldn't expect C to actually say anything, a verbal statement or declaration is definitely not his style and the fact that he's made contact over the past few days does say something. Oh hindsight, fucking hindsight. My father also said he thought C would have been quite happy to continue on with things as they were (true) and that I didn't really want the trappings of a conventional lifestyle (true, only thought I did) and so really, I had everything I needed and it all got lost along the way. Stupid me.

So now I'm sitting in bed looking like a ninety year old, dressing gown and nightie (bath robe I suppose is the slightly more stylish name) but it may as well be pink flannel. At least I'm not crying!

sunday

After a really bad night I started the day by going to buy a couple of self-help relationship books. One is called "How to Get Your Lover Back" or something like that and is the perfect book for my current situation. The advice was all about loving C 100% and he will come back to me. I spent the morning devouring it, sad little thing that I am, looking for justification and hope in its cheap, thin pages. It did make sense though and I do want C back. I want to try and move to a new phase, I just wish I knew if he was open to it.

After spending the morning reading I went to brave the garage. C has moved everything out and with the exception of a few empty boxes, it's now only my stuff. I took a deep breath and starting clearing out.

Things were moving along well when a car approached and it was C. He was getting lunch and was I interested? We went off in search of ingredients, brought it back and I made sandwiches which we ate in the garden. Piggy did very well as C loves to give her snacks and treats. Needless to say she adores him and is very upset by the fact that he's not here. Aren't we both?

He left later to go and shred paperwork so his move continues. I went for a bike ride along the beach with the idea of blowing away the cobwebs or the nasty, bitter, miserable woman who has taken up residence in my heart and head for so long.

I came home feeling windblown and marginally better, the idea of an evening reading my other self-help book, "Getting the love You Want." firmly planted in my mind. Just as I had formed that plan, my phone rang and it was C. The movie we'd discussed seeing didn't sound very good but was I interested in getting dinner?

"Only if it's better than left-over spicy Thai rice (from Tuesday)," I replied.

We ended up going to one of our fairly regular haunts, drinking margaritas and having a pleasant experience (this is the term from the book about getting your lover back). I was very well behaved, no tears, recriminations, pleading or anything emotional. Just me. Looking as nice as I could, being fun and friendly.

After dinner C took me to his hotel so I could see his room. It was depressing. I think mainly because I miss him so much and I wish he would come back. He made a flippant remark about how beggars can't be chosers, to which I responded,

"Well, I'd rather you weren't there at all."

Then I chastised myself the whole way home for appearing too needy.

I have no idea if we are giving things a fresh start but I must take hope from the time spent together surely. If there was no hope then wouldn't C be gone? Please, please, please, let us find each other, let him come back to me. I miss him so much.

a bad night

it's 5am. I have been awake all night and have a sick, empty metallic taste in my mouth.
He is my best friend, my support, my confidante and I miss him so much. I realise now what we had together was so precious, so hard to find and yet we stopped caring and nurturing our relationship. We took things for granted and yet such a short time ago we were happy. All this has happened since Christmas and it's been so hard, so painful.

C said he is leaving on Monday to go to Florida. His things are all gone, out of the garage, he hasn't responded to my email about finding a way forward. I think he may have decided that for him, it's over.

I am trying to accept the reality of this but I'm obviously nowhere near doing that (hence the fact that I've been awake all night and I'm typing this at 5am). I know I need to love myself in order for anyone else to love me but right now I loathe myself, I hate myself for throwing away the most important person in my life, for expecting him to fulfill my shortcomings. What a fool I am and I only have myself to blame. The agony of it all. I feel so sick, so empty and so dead.

swan lake and the labrador

Last night I went to see Swan Lake. I remember going with my mum and sister when I was a little girl. Last night I felt a little bored and I think I prefer opera to ballet. There's something surreal about not hearing the passion of the voice, the story being told in language rather than mime. I did love elements of it but overall the overly enthusiastic (dare I say, American) audience disturbed the flow and continuity of the dance and it became a series of vignettes. Again and again the dancers would stop and take bows after a short dance, the audience applauding, cheering, even whoo-hooing. I almost expected the seventh inning stretch but perhaps I'm being particularly cynical. I've been through a lot lately.

Speaking of which, the Labrador (as I shall now refer to C) called me this morning in search of breakfast or brunch and so we went off in search of food. We did a little furniture research for his new house in Key West and I did like some of the pieces he was considering. This evening we went to a small italian restaurant for dinner. A place we had never been to but one he'd always wanted to try. Overall a good evening, I repeated carefully my mantra and was able to be myself, no recriminations but then again, no passion, no nothing but friends. All I can say is that if we're meant to be together then we will be. There is no amount of talking or discussion that can force that to happen, I have said everything I need to say and all I can do at this point is be happy within myself and not have any regrets. I will say that the six years I have spent with the Labrador have been some of the happiest, hardest and saddest years. I feel we've covered every gamut of emotion and amazingly have retained our compatibility. I hope he feels the same.

I felt sadness when we hugged and kissed goodbye as I know he'll be leaving here in a couple of days but that is the way of things and I must let go to see whether he comes back. In the meantime I have myself to nurture, to love, to find and forgive. I have been so hard on myself for my entire life and it's time to let go, accept who I am and love me unconditionally. If I can't do it for myself, how I can expect anyone else to be able to?


the wedge

Stop Chasing the Labrador

Yesterday was bad, this morning was bad. I started the day with a rejection from a company in London I'd contacted yesterday. I suppose on the bright side, they hadn't wasted any time but I had hoped by some miracle they would set up a meeting with me.

I called my friend Kate today. She went through a bad break-up a couple of years ago and has emerged with words of wisdom on the other side.

After listening to my misery, my voice wobbly with holding back the tears, she finally told me a story. "I used to have a yellow lab and every time I tried to catch him, he ran further and further away from me. It drove me crazy and made me realise I shouldn't have kids. Finally I stopped and thought, "Let the dog come to me, stop chasing the labrador!" And sure enough, the dog came to her." I have no idea if Kate actually had a yellow labrador but it was just what I needed.

I loved the story and the analogy. I wrote (in capital letters) on a post-it note, STOP CHASING THE LABRADOR and stuck it on my monitor at work. Of course this will confuse the hell out of anyone who sees it but it already made me laugh at least once today and when C called me as I was driving back from the dog park, I was able to chat quite happily and silently repeated to myself, "stop chasing the labrador."

Wise Kate also recommended a book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I bought it after work and have enjoyed an evening of reading. I'm on page 96 so far and she's had me laughing out loud a couple of times. Overall though her descriptions of depression and lonliness captured as two men really caught my imagination. How many times I've seen those two loathsome characters. I understood every word she said.

And so today in the end has not been too bad. I asked for a week off work (yet to be approved) and tomorrow I am going to the ballet. Small steps but good ones and as long as I remember my mantra "What would Catherine Deneuve do?" Then everything should be ok.

Good night.
Wedge

a day to gather my thoughts

It's been a really bad day today. Last night I barely slept, whenever I fell asleep I dreamed that C and I had broken up and when I awoke (every twenty minutes judging by how I felt this morning) I remembered it was true and that sick, empty feeling hit me again and again. I was worried about how I would find work and ship Piggy to London. Round and round it swirled until finally at 5:30 I gave in and made coffee.

I had an email from my fellow heartbroken friend in the UK. She is at the same stage as me; in some denial, still clutching a thin strand of hope but the reality is slowly sinking in. Funnily enough, one of C's oldest friends introduced me to her and her fiance in September. We hit it off instantly and I was planning on attending their wedding after a drunken invitation. I was shocked to hear they had split and so hopefully we can help each other through the dark times.

I emailed her back and told her my plans and said I hoped I could accept her offer of a place to stay. Her instant response was YES, definitely and how good that she wouldn't need to worry about bringing me down! Ha. If only that were possible. I assured her that wouldn't be a problem. Hopefully we won't be too miserable together.

The rest of the day I spent working on my portfolio and finally I was able to email applications to two companies in London. It's a start. I hope I can set up some sort of meeting when I'm there but it's hard in the UK to set things up quickly.

The good news (if I can call it that) is that I spoke to a pet relocation service. For the bargain price of $3600 I can fly Piggly to London. The really good thing is that I might be able to do it all from the UK. They can actually pick her up, deliver her to the airport, deal with the paperwork and customs and deliver her at the other end. I've always worried that if I fly with her I'll be a complete basket case by the time we arrive. Every bump, every bit of turbulence I'll be freaking out.

Now I'm feeling completely drained. The past couple of months have been exhausting and I really need to try and rest. It's such a shame I have to go to work tomorrow. Biggus Dickus will be back from Minneapolis and it'll be all systems go. They're going to be very unhappy when I tell them I need a week off.

Best thing I could do now, go to sleep! At least I'm not drinking!

the wedge.

one day at a time

Every day is like a crazy rollercoaster ride at the moment.

It's a little bit like Project Runway... one day you're in, the next day you're out. This is definitely my year for being out. It's been one thing after another. My poor little Piggy (my twelve year old Australian cattle dog) was bitten by two different dogs off leash who, completely unprovoked ran up to her and sank their nasty big teeth into her back. Following that (and her poor fur still hasn't grown back, she now has a strip of stubble) she slipped a disk in her back and was confined to a cage for 6 weeks. Luckily she recovered after three weeks; it was truly horrible having to carry her outside to go to the toilet and listen to her cry in pain.

Of course today was yet another downhill scream but not in a good way. Quel surprise.

I saw Biggus Dickus off to a meeting in the mid-west and just as I thought he was about to say I should take the day off tomorrow as I've worked really hard lately, he said I should start cranking out new designs for spring 2009. It's amazing how unappreciative a person can be.

I came home early to work on my portfolio (being a designer it's always good to be prepared as you just never know when the company's going to go under) I thought I heard C's rather loud car. Going out to the garage, he was there and he'd moved most of his stuff out. He's definitely out of here despite my attempts at reconciliation and there's absolutely no reason (with the exception of Piggy) for me to stay here. My job isn't worth staying here alone, lonely and miserable.

So I cried again. I thought I had cried enough but there always seem to more tears.. The problem is I look bloody terrible when I cry. Red faced, blotchy and about ninety. I calmed down, did some more work on my portfolio and then quite spontaneously I booked a ticket to London.

Yep, fuck it. I've got two weeks to get my work organised and hopefully set up interviews. I'm only going for ten days (unless I decide to throw away my return ticket) and if all goes well, I'll need to come back and pack up my stuff and ship the Pig.

I then went out to dinner with C, as you do. Talk about being a glutton for punishment. I didn't tell him my plans because I don't know what's going on with him but I immediately felt better having taken some control of my life. I know I can't stay here in LA and start again alone, there are just too many memories of C and I. I think that if I can be strong, get to London and support myself, I will look at it as a fresh start, a clean break and I will start again. Of course there are memories of C there too but it's a enormous, vibrant city and surely I can find a little corner to perch.

The thin end of the wedge.

and so now I wait

I did send the email to C. I waited until I came home for lunch, reread it, edited it slightly and sent it. It was gone in a nano-second and that was it. I resisted checking email during the afternoon but it didn't matter, not a peep.

I asked him to consider coming back to start a new phase of our relationship. We'll be apart a lot for the next six months but I think there could be a way for us both to be happy.

My thoughts though, regardless of how things proceed, I need to make plans to leave here. I live in Los Angeles and never intended to be here longer than three weeks. It's now about twelve years.

It's a common story, came to LA, fell in love, broke up, stayed, fell in love again, and so the cycle goes on. Now I need to get out finally. I have never felt happy here and never liked American men, believe me, I've tried and for me, the sense of humour is seriously lacking.

a weekend together

I spent most of the weekend with C in a very platonic, friendly sort of way. It's all a bit of a mystery and I'm not sure where we stand with each other but I do know that we enjoy each other's company and I hope that this really is the thin end of the wedge and we're able to work things out.

On Friday after work I was engulfed by a wave of desolation.

How can I stay in this place when the only reason not to move is that I don't want to move the dog? It's ludicrous. Since C and I have been having troubles we've both sorted out our belongings and from my perspective, it's with a view to finally leaving here, something I say I want but have been too scared to do. I've become entrenched and have turned into the person who complains constantly about their job, and then stays for fifteen years.

I was sitting at home being miserable (something I can do quite well) when C rang from the laundrette. I was very pleased to hear from him as it had been two days since our last conversation, one where I pulled a 180 on him and said I realised I didn't want to end things. Needless to say, he was a little confused.

"He's like a deer caught in the headlights," my sister put it, "doesn't know which way to turn, poor thing."

I was relieved he was calling.

We did spend most of the weekend together, seeing a movie, eating and generally hanging out. It was fun and comfortable for the most part except for not knowing where we stand. We did drop off a lot of stuff at the local thrift store which either means we're just having a good clear-out or we're no longer living together. I'm trying to look at it positively, we really did need to get rid of a lot of stuff.

It's now Sunday evening and I have drafted an email to send C. I realise that as I was the one to instigate the separation then I must be the one to attempt the reconciliation. I have tried to do that during this week with honesty and the perspective of hindsight and now we're at a point where I'm not sure if he'll come back. In a way things would be much easier for him. He has the freedom to come and go as is his wont and I certainly make life more complicated.

I am hoping we can approach it as a new phase in our relationship. I am hoping we needed to get to this point in order to move past it. Of course, he may feel that we're already past it, just heading in different directions.

At this point there's not much more to lose except for that tiny pin prick of hope that I've been clinging to desperately. What if he says no?

the thin end - begins

One of my all-time favourite books, The Pursuit of Love (by Nancy Mitford) introduced me to the phrase "the thin end of the wedge." I have found it to be incredibly useful. The thin end of the wedge is something small that will lead to something bigger. The insertion point.

So here we go. I have been a lurker, a reader, a commenter and have tried unsuccessfully to be a blogger but perhaps this time is different. Perhaps this time it's for me and not about what people think. So here is the thin end of the wedge. It's the beginning of something small which hopefully will lead to something bigger!