The possibly fake Chanel and the nasty lady

Back in February when I was still relatively sane I decided to buy a purse for my mother's approaching 70th birthday. I wanted it to be a grand gesture, something from my brother, sister and I which could be used everyday. Given that we live in three different countries (and continents) I was sensitive to exchange rates although now it appears the US dollars is the weakest of the three.

I digress. I found a bag on what I thought was a reputable website and having conversed with my brother and sister, I bought it. The return policy was along the lines of "returns given for authenticity only - no questions asked..." Peace of mind, or so I thought.

When the bag arrived I noticed immediately that it did not come with an official Chanel authentication card. This concerned me. The bag, instead of being a delicate pear color, was a moss green, it was stiff leather and generally ugly and unappealling. There was no way I could give my mum something like this, I didn't even want to keep it for myself, always a telling sign.

What then transpired was two months of frustration with one of the nastiest people I have had the misfortune to interact with. I honestly have tried to keep things cordial but when the woman shouted hysterically at me and hung up on me during a phone conversation, I had no option but to file a dispute with my credit card company.

This gets long, tedious and boring but needless to say, this is still going on. I have been rebilled by my credit card company for the amount of the bag. Given my current employed status (not) this is a huge amount of money. The woman actually lied outright and claimed I had not returned the bag. I did but she refused to accept it so the nasty green thing is sitting under my desk where it has sat for the past two months.

Now I face the prospect of having to pay for this albatross and see it everyday.

I also discovered that the care booklet was fake, it had spelling mistakes in it. So one would think a "no questions asked" return policy could and should be honoured at this point. Not according to the most irrational woman in the universe (and that's not me for once). The bitch from hell has refused to honour her original terms and conditions and has changed them on her website. Luckily I have a previous copy and have submitted it in my defence.

I have now had to call in an outside authentication service who are trying to help me resolve the situation. The seller uses their name to guarantee her business practise so it's definitely in their best interests to help resolve this issue.

How very dull it all is. I'm not a vindictive person but when this is over and done with, I'm going to report her to the Better Business Bureau and to Chanel.

I'm tired of being ripped off by people and that goes for my work too.

Perhaps progesterone cream takes away self-pity too. Let's hope so!

Premenopause

Today's exciting discovery is hormone imbalance. I spent a considerable amount of time researching online and reached the conclusion that I am deficient in progesterone. Now of course I can't remember how I reached that conclusion but I did manage to buy a book What Your Doctor may not tell you about PreMenopause and some progesterone cream and started reading about depression, anxiety, insomnia, decreased sex drive and many other cheery symptoms, all of which I can honestly say "yes" to.

The book is a surprisingly good read so far. I'm skimming over the more technical parts and enjoying the patient scenarios. For some reason I find myself relating to stories along the lines of "Kate was 38, depressed, bloated, lonely, unemployed and in relationship turmoil. By rubbing a little progesterone cream on her hands, everything seemed clearer, more settled and she stopped having radical mood swings."

Of course I'm exaggerating but I do wonder if this might have something to do with my completely irrational behaviour and total break down over the past couple of months. It's food for thought. And speaking of food, there are dietary concerns with this progesterone milarky. One needs to avoid many of the nasty processed foods available including caffeine, alcohol, cheese and anything remotely tasty but then again, given the choice between lying awake every night having a huge panic attack and sobbing hysterically or eating a piece of cheese, I might be willing to give up the cheese. My morning coffee though is another story altogether.

Speaking of other stories I shall now post an extremely tedious situation about myself, the online purchase of a possibly counterfeit Chanel purse and a very nasty person.

Denial hurts

I was doing ok after coming back from the UK. I have stopped drinking and it's been 9 days and I have been feeling good and surprisingly, looking better than I've looked in a while.

Today I took a backward step and I'm feeling pretty bad.

I still don't know where C and I stand and I'm in limbo and I don't know what to do about it.

Today I went to collect the mail from our mailbox and it's apparent that C has forwarded his mail to Florida. So that was strike one.

Then I get an Evite from a friend of ours who invited C and I separately to a stupid Memorial Day barbeque. Every other couple listed were written as Anne & David, John & Jane. C and I were listed formally, first and last names. Separately. I have been really upset by this. Not only was it insensitive but this invitation went to 60 people. People who have no idea what is going on with C and I and quite frankly, it's none of their business.

C and I continue to talk on Skype and I know he's having a frustrating time in Florida. He has some family issues going on and he said that he hasn't had time to think, he seems really stressed and when I told him I was going to Guatemala to think for a couple of weeks, he said doing something like that was what he needed to do as well.

I think we both need to step back now and take some time to think. I've been so angst-ridden. I'm stressed about finding work, how I'm going to live, how I'm going to get over C (if that's what it's come to) and generally my denial is driving me crazy.

I'm kidding myself. There's nothing left here. At least there are only six days until I can run away to Guatemala. I'm in hell.

Back in LA

So I'm back but I'm only here for two weeks so I'm trying to stay focused on getting my work organised before I go to Guatemala (what the fuck was I thinking??!).

My brilliant sister suggested that I try partnering with writers for my children's books, she delicately suggested that while the illustrations were perfect, the writing was lacking something. I think she may have a point!

I'm hoping to drum up work in both the UK and the US so I can truly work internationally. I'm going to use my sister's address in the UK and approach publishers and children's book agents so that's one direction.

I shall do the same here in the US and then hopefully I'll be able to work from anywhere. Brilliant! Let's hope something good comes from this. It's going to cost me a fortune in ink and paper as publishers for some bizarre reason, don't accept email submissions.

Down in Devon

I'm now in Devon staying with my sister and her family. London was hard. I spent three days with a girl I met last year who recently broke up with her fiance. I had no idea but the night I arrived she confessed to me that she had attempted suicide twice in the past couple of months. Oh brilliant, just what I need. Not only that, her way of coping is to drink. Not what I wanted to be doing.

The night I arrived we went out until about 2am. The next day lunch started at 1:30pm and ended (many drinks later) at 10:30pm and the following day was drinks for dinner. I left on Tuesday morning feeling toxic and depressed.

Coming to Devon was a great idea and I think I should have avoided London. I'm worried about meeting C's friend in case he tells me something I don't want to know (ie Oh, I heard you had broken up, sorry about that). I realise I'm in denial but that's my perogative. Until I hear it from C, I'm still hopeful there's a chance we can work things out.

Devon is all fresh air and small children and makes me realise that all I really want is a simple life. I don't want to live in London, it's too stressful and everyone drinks too much. I would like to go for walks, buy fresh vegetables and just breathe. So I need to decide how to make money and support this filthy habit!

C and I have maintained communication (texting) which is better than nothing so I'm encouraged that at least we're still talking in some sense. He is still in Florida but will be heading to the boat in the next couple of days. After that I have no idea what's next.

So I'm feeling ok. Still very unsure but less unstable than I was in London. Who knows what tomorrow holds but hopefully it'll be simple pleasures, small children, family and good food. I can't hope for much more than that.

Guatemala and then some

So I have officially booked a ticket and I'm going to Guatemala in May!

I'm going for two weeks to have a look around and see if I can find a place to rent for six months. As I was thinking about going, I got an email from United with their mileage specials for May and funnily enough, LA to Guatemala City was one of the deals. I booked it and it cost me $50!!

I then emailed a lovely little B&B I stayed at with C three years ago and today they emailed back saying, "Yes, they do have availability for the dates I requested!"

So that's all good news.

Tonight I emailed a friend who I know is between places to ask her if she'd be interested in a 6 month sublet. I haven't heard back from her but I do know that her other housing option just fell through. So I'll wait to hear from her.

Crikey, I can't believe I've just decided to go to Guatemala and I'm actually going to go. I think I'd better go to sleep now, it's all quite shocking! Actually it's all quite exciting!

Ginger, but not in a good way

So yesterday (in a strange mood perhaps) I decide that I'm sick of being grey and mousey and I'm going to be a glamourous "DARK BLONDE".

What would Catherine Deneuve do?

Well, I can assure you she wouldn't buy a semi-permanent color (good for 28 washes) at Target.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I carefully followed the instructions and lo and behold, not glamourous dark blonde AT ALL... More like dark ginger but not in a good way.

So being me, I think "Well, it'll fade, only 27 washes to go" and so I went to bed.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and thought "What the fuck was I thinking? it's ginger" and started madly googling "semi permanent hair color removal"

The best tip I found was to wash one's hair in Dawn dish washing liquid so off to Rite-Aid I go.

I found a mysterious product called "Color Oops" obviously designed for the cheap, impulsive hair colorists like me.

It would remove the said color and restore grey and mousey. Perfect. I picked up the Dawn dishwashing liquid as well, just in case.

Applying the Color Oops, I noticed a very strong smell of ammonia, otherwise known as bleach.

The product suggested a processing time of 20 minutes but I wasn't having any of that. The smell of bleach was worrying me too much so I followed the shampoo and rinse, shampoo and rinse instructions (only 24 more washes to go including this morning) and then gave it a couple of washes in the Dawn dish washing liquid for good measure (so that's only 22 washes left anyway and I can probably manage those before I leave tomorrow night).

My hair's still wet right now but from what I can see it's grey and mousey with a hint of ginger.

I've just realised with horror that I now match my grey and ginger dog!!!!
What is it they say about pets and owners???

(Obviously I have nothing against ginger for those who are naturally or choose to be, I do have a problem with being ginger against my will, especially when DARK BLONDE sounded so sexy and mysterious!)

the plot thickens

After my usual night of 2-4:30am spent crying and surfing the internet (I'm so much fun to be around right now) I received an email from my former employer.

The general terms are that I can not use any of the work I created for this company to promote myself online, on my personal website or in any other way including presenting it in an interview unless I have written authorization from the owner of the company and they have determined that the company I am interviewing with is not competition.

This is from the man who said he wanted to work with me in the future, so I could create additional collections for their portfolio. This is also the company which owes me $1750 and has my Bose ipod dock.

This is the company I worked really hard for for the past five months and created some really beautiful work which I've been extremely proud of. It's also the company who gave me a sixty day agreement which terminated at Christmas. Given all of that, I'm wondering who owns the rights to the work created. I was no longer under contract as the agreement clearly states 60 days. I think they're panicking and want me to make a statement committing to not publishing the work.

Actually I had no intention of publishing the work online as I'm well aware of unethical people (the people I was just working for are some of the worst when it comes to ripping off design) and so I was only planning to show it as part of my portfolio. It's ludicrous to think that I would seek the written consent of someone who has fired me. Actually it's ludicrous to think anyone would seek written consent prior to an interview to determine whether that company is considered competition. He's delusional.

Oh the fun never stops around here. It just seems to get better and better. 2008, so far my second worst year in memory but then again, it's only April and so much more can happen.

Tomorrow should be fun.

On a positive note, Piggy is now enjoying raw food, vitamin C to help her stubble grow back, digestive enzymes, joint relief and more. I'm determined she's going to be fit and healthy, she's had a bad year too so at least one of us needs to be strong.

I am so drained from all of these negative emotions. I spent hours last night reading horoscopes in the hope that one would be positive but it appears to be doom and gloom from here on. It's all about growing from the pain and change and emerging at some point in the future (probably in about ten years) a much happier, healthier person. Bollocks to that, this is excruciating.

Yo Yo

A Suffolk puff is also know as a Yo-yo in quilting circles. I'm not a quilter but I have been using this technique for sewing noses for my toys. It works quite well.

Today I sewed all day trying to get toys done for a company in New York who are developing prototypes in China based on my patterns.

I finished a pretty good shark and the third attempt worked quite well. I also made a second version of the cat head and I think it looks extremely cute.

I'm quite tired but feel as though it was a productive day. It also crossed my mind that perhaps I could approach the above mentioned company and see if there are any openings for a designer/product developer. I'll think it over though as I seem to be having different ideas every second about where to go and what to do. First off, I have to decide what I like to do. The toys are an interesting challenge. It's been difficult developing a 3D form from a 2D drawing. Quite fun too.

I spoke to C and told him I was going to the UK on Friday. He said he thought it was a good idea. My irrational side suddenly screamed in my head (luckily) WHY!!!! Why is it a good idea for me to go away?? Why don't you express how you feel about me? Are we just friends? Is our relationship over? All the things my father has said an Englishman (takes one to know one) can't or won't respond to especially when pressured.

We had a good conversation and I really appreciate the fact that he's calling me (hopefully it's not just to make sure I haven't tried to top myself or anything stupid like that). I'm trying to chill out. I've had a bit of a breakdown over the past few months.

I'm really glad I don't have to go to work tomorrow. I hadn't realised how stressed out I've been, enough was never enough for those people and no matter how hard I worked, how much great design I produced and how many systems I introduced, it was never going to work because they didn't want it to.

So good luck to them. I am confident that my work is good and that they're the type of people who are quite happy to use clip art. They're not designers, they're plagiarizers, they're cheap and to top it off, they're not very nice.

Onward and upward.

Ye olde Suffolk Puff

I spent today organising my portfolio and sewing Suffolk puffs. I can't remember the American name for Suffolk puffs but it's a circular shape which is gathered around the edges and stuffed. I'm using it quite successfully for noses.

I'm in the process of developing seven felt toys with a company in New York. It has been an agonizingly slow process and the Chinese factory don't seem to have the knack of capturing the personalities of the toys. They are animals from books I have been working on under my brand.

I have now realised that if I don't show them what I want, there are going to be some very unattractive felt animals for sale this Christmas. I have made the heads of the penguin and the cat so perhaps I'll photograph them tomorrow and post them up. I've also had a crack at the shark and while the proportions are horribly wrong, I really do quite like the mouth. More to do tomorrow but at least things are moving along.

I had a revelation this morning and one which should have come a lot sooner. Why would C want to get back with me, indeed why would he even want to talk to me?

I've been miserable, depressed, whiny, crying, desperate, sad, lonely, pressuring, apologetic, confused, DESPERATE, panicked, sick. The list is seemingly endless. What I really haven't been (and I'm sure this isn't surprising) is fun, happy, lighthearted, someone you'd want to be with, pretty, sexy, nice or basically anything you'd want from the person you've chosen to be with.

Yep, good thinking really. I've said I want him back and then I go out of my way to be my most grim, although to be fair I did lose my job on Thursday. SO I've been thinking things over.

At the moment I can't chase C to Key West (which is probably just as well for both of us). The house is in a shambles and I'm not invited anyway.

So in a strange moment of madness I thought, "Why not sublet my apartment for six months and drive to Guatemala?" It's not the most unusual of ideas. I've been to Antigua and loved it. It's possible to rent a house for $500 a month. I could drive down in my trusty old battle-scarred Beetle (my most hated car which ironically would be perfect) and my grumpy old dog could come along for company. I have friends in Mexico to stay with on the way and I could take six months off from reality, work on my children's books in the hope that one day something will finally, finally get published and try and start again.

Of course it all smacks of a self help discovery trip (which of course it would be and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!). I would write all my griping adventures and being different to all the other 30++ women writing self discovery travel journals, mine would be completely original and I'd get a great book deal.

Sounds like a brilliant plan. In addition to that I can go to a Spanish immersion school therefore killing at least two of my ambitions (become a travel writer and become proficient in either Spanish or French) with one stone and all before I'm 40.

So now I'll go to sleep so I have something nice to think about and don't spend the night agonizing over C.

Friday

I spent this morning trying to get my printer to work so I could print out my portfolio. I finally called David (my now former boss) at 11:30am to discuss moving forward. He didn't answer the call.

He called back an hour or so later and we arranged to meet at 2pm. He was ten minutes late and we met at the French cafe across the road from the office. I took the moral high road, said I understood what they needed to do and said I was open to an ongoing freelance arrangement. I then handed over my keys and company credit card. He said he would gather up my belongings and have a paycheck for me.

It was strange. Obviously I'm not welcome in the office. Funnily enough I didn't hear from a colleague I had confided in. I had tried to save her job and in the process, lost my own. I have the strangest feeling I have been set up. On top of it all, I have built their portfolio, they get to keep the work and now I'm out. As my mother put it, they've bled me dry and kicked me out. It doesn't feel good.

I came back and called C. When I told him about the keys and meeting outside the office his comment was that I wouldn't be going back there. I feel quite violated by the whole experience. Taken advantage of, used and abused. I feel like a fool to have confided in someone who has now obviously distanced themselves and has shown me clearly what a stupid thing it was. It reinforces the fact that there are no friends in the workplace. How naive of me to think we were friends.

So now I'm floundering. I have no idea where to go or what to do.

another sleepless night

1:30am. Thoughts swirling, mind in turmoil. Lying awake, feeling sick and queasy. Could be the fault of sake, sushi and other horrors for dinner but I suspect the reality is fear. My life is changing beyond recognition and everything is conspiring to force me to make those changes.

I had thought I would stay in LA and work for six months, save money and then sensibly and slowly start thinking about where to go and what to do. That was my idea. The universe has other ideas as that job no longer exists.

My 6 year relationship has ground to a halt and even if C is open to moving forward, it will not be something which will happen easily. My sense is that he's walked away already and I just have to accept it and learn from it.

My career, such as it is, is in disarray. I can list so many things I don't want to do and if I'm honest, I don't know what makes me happy. I have written and illustrated a children's book which has been rejected probably fifteen times. It's currently out for review with another publisher. Given recent events, I'm not holding my breath. The toys I've created could get produced but it's all very vague and I'm not happy with the prototypes I've seen.

I had dinner this evening with my closest friend and we fantasized about how to get off the consumer merry-go-round that is LA. Shopping is a weekend pastime here where people have nothing else to do except decide what else to stuff in their houses. This was my friend's observation as she and her husband live in a suburban house, earn large salaries, she hates her job and yet they are struggling to see the point of it all.

I, on the other hand, have the opposite situation. Few belongings (which will be even fewer soon), no job currently, no income, no relationship, just a rapidly aging dog. I suppose from a positive view, it's somewhat easier for me to pick up and leave. But where to go and what to do?

get off the fence!

It would appear I have been laid off, fired, relieved of my duties, let go. However you look at it, it was a bit of a surprise and I need to access my situation. Funnily enough I was having a facial this morning and I was describing this year to my facialist. At the end I said, "it's been a roller coaster ride and at this rate everything could change by lunchtime!"

How right I was!

I went to work and was summoned to a meeting where I was informed that while they would like to consider working with me on a freelance creative basis (I can continue building their portfolio) I've been let go from the 9-6 daily routine with guaranteed income, albeit much lower than I should be paid.

The irony is that I was never clear on my role so the fact that they can say it wasn't working is quite funny. I was hired as creative director. It was immediately apparent that the job was senior designer. It then evolved into senior designer/production manager/studio manager but definitely not creative director. Then they tell me it's not working out. Perhaps a little clarification would have been nice. In addition the hiring and firing of multiple staff didn't make an easy working environment.

So here I am in the exact situation I've talked about. If I could go anywhere and do anything, what would I do? After I came home today I called C and told him. He was shocked and surprised and sorry things had worked out like this.

I said I needed to ask him a question, that I didn't think I could handle the answer but I needed to ask it anyway. I said I understood a lot of things had been said and that I was sorry for the way things had worked out and I was sorry for my part of things. I expressed that we are really compatible and I hoped that we would be able to move on and find a stronger relationship. I said I need to know where I stand and while he should take some time to think things over, I'd appreciate it if he could give me his decision.

So here I am. I can look around this place I've called home for the past eight years and see the few things I would take with me. Two green Heywood Wakefield chairs, a collection of books, a few clothes, work stuff, computer, sewing machine, kitchen stuff (pans), some photos and memories.

A few things which should go and live in Key West... a TV, outdoor furniture, ceramics from Mexico, Winston's ceramic paw print, the lady in the garden and a few other things. The rest, Ikea bookshelves, a plywood platform bed, cheap disposable furniture, it can all go.

I can leave here with little to show for the time I've lived here. I have no debt, good credit and some savings. I can walk away with almost no strings attached.

It's a strange perspective but it's time for me to stop sitting on the fence and for once in my life, make a decision. Which is what I'll do... tomorrow!

what do I really want to do? which leads to where do I want to be?

I met a friend after work for tea and ended up in a big discussion about where things are with C, what I do in relationships (lose myself in someone else), identify myself through my work and generally have no idea about what I want to do or where I want to be.

I have always enjoyed my work. At least, I've enjoyed aspects of it because as I wrote that I realised it wasn't true. I'm a designer, graphic originally but now I work as a surface designer and illustrator. I enjoy creating patterns, I love color and I've really enjoyed the challenge of creating a children's book. My work is also my hobby but the reality is, there's not much else. What I don't love are deadlines, office politics, not having enough time to develop good design and generally being tied to a computer from 9am to 6pm.

When I stop and think about the things I really love doing, one thing I think of is writing. When C and I were on the boat, I loved the series I was writing from each anchorage. I called it Notes from the Boat, took photos, turned challenges into witty escapades and had an audience of readers. It was the best part of being on the boat for me. It was the combination of travelling and writing which excited me and it was the challenge of portraying a negative situation in a positive light (not exactly something I've achieved in this poor, sad blog so far).

One other thing I've always loved is dancing. Last year I started learning to salsa and I loved it.

Where would you go and what would you do if you could go anywhere and be anywhere?

I don't know and that seems to be my biggest problem. C has left and I'm left floundering because I don't know who I am. Somewhere along the way I got lost. I don't know if it was always there or if it developed.

When I was in my early twenties I was driven, knew what I wanted and as a result, where I was wasn't an issue. I was going to say it was after I left Australia but I actually think it was when Paul and I split up. He was the reason I moved to LA and stayed for the first four years. When we broke up I fell apart. I was drinking heavily, got arrested for drunk driving, slept with a couple of men who weren't good prospects, got sentenced to 70 AA meetings and eventually was diagnosed with melanoma. That year was 1996. I still think of that year as my worst year, my "annus horribilis". I think it was the first time I was ever truly on my own and I panicked, I didn't know how to cope or what to do.

What I'm trying to do at the moment is not go back to that place. I am trying to deal with the emotions of losing C, I am not masking my feelings with drink. I am not acting in a self-destructive manner and I am trying to learn from this situation. What I do need is to find out who I am and decide what I want to do.

I am going to try and take some time in the next few weeks to think things over, to try and find out what I want to do. I'm not going to make any major life decisions right now.

Having just said all that I've just this minute had a brilliant fantasy. How wonderful it would be to live in France and be able to work independently or just pop to London to pick up projects... not very realistic but why not? Perhaps I'll focus on this for a while. It's a lovely picture.