Well, New Jersey to be honest. I'm tired though after taking a red eye last night and I'm feeling a little fragile emotionally. I know I need to stop thinking about C. I know I need to stop missing him, missing what I thought we had and try and move on with my life but it's so hard.
I know he won't be back, our relationship was too damaged by the time he finally met someone else but I'm in so much pain, constantly looking back instead of looking forward. I know all the logical, rational thoughts. I know he was never going to commit to me, that our relationship was stagnant, that I wanted more, that I was frustrated and yet I took the smaller and smaller crumbs he tossed my own until now, there's nothing and I'm hurting.
It's almost a month since we spoke. The longest time in the past six years that I haven't had contact and I feel as though I've lost a limb. I suppose if I'm honest, I've lost a crutch because I leaned on him so heavily. I agonize over my loss everyday and wish I could have done something differently, wish that I could go back but then I wonder, was it all really me? Does his past behaviour indicate how he'll be in the future and I think it will.
Throughout C's past he has moved or run away when things have got too hard. And whatever relationship he's been in has been severed, conveniently by the move. If I'm rational about it, his decision to buy the house in Key West was his decision to end the relationship. He claimed I pushed and pushed him until he jumped but the reality, he created a situation so intolerable, I had no alternative.
So why now am I sitting here feeling destroyed? The simple reason is that I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I ask myself the question, where do I want to live? and I can't answer.
I know I want to share my life with someone. I know I want to love again and learn from my mistakes. I know I want success in my career and I know I want money. I want to make my own money and be financially secure.
I am trying to follow the law of attraction. Ask - Believe - Receive but I'm having a hard time believing. What makes me feel I'm not worthy? I have no idea... yet. I have decided that I can't be with anyone until I can answer the questions for myself - what do I want, where do I want to live and what do I want to do? Until then, I think I'm going to be alone, working things out slowly.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Focus on money
Since C and I officially went our separate ways I have had to face the reality of money or to be honest, a complete lack of it. C was helping me for a long time while I focused on setting up my product line (which can't support me at the moment.) I counted up everything I had, counted it again and panicked! Seriously panicked. If I ate nothing, paid the bills, fed Pig and never went out I figured I could survive for six months assuming I couldn't get any work.
Then I added up everything I had again and realised that I'd been a bit optimistic and that realistically (given Pig's medical bills) that I was looking at about 4 months. I panicked again and kept panicking for a while.
My friend kindly offered me her spare room if things got so bad I was evicted. At the age of 39 it's hard to imagine having to move into someone's spare room or having to move in with my parents. Yikes!
It was time to send out some resumes and start asking people for help. One thing I've learned this year is that I can't do this on my own. In the past I've soldiered on, me against the world fighting to survive. Well not anymore. Now I ask for help. I've emailed friends, colleagues and clients asking for work or to keep me in mind. Begging but trying not to appear desperate as that always has the kiss of death.
So this week I had an interview and a positive response. I've swallowed my pride and I'm starting again because pride does not pay the bills. The interview went well and they want me to do some freelance work to see how things go. That's encouraging and I am trying not to count my chickens. I also picked up a small freelance project doing some work for friends so it's one day at a cheery time.
I'm off to New York this week for a meeting with a publisher but the fact is that my product line is going to be a part time thing after this week as Pig needs to have her medication and weekly vet bills paid for, and I might need to eat occasionally!
Then I added up everything I had again and realised that I'd been a bit optimistic and that realistically (given Pig's medical bills) that I was looking at about 4 months. I panicked again and kept panicking for a while.
My friend kindly offered me her spare room if things got so bad I was evicted. At the age of 39 it's hard to imagine having to move into someone's spare room or having to move in with my parents. Yikes!
It was time to send out some resumes and start asking people for help. One thing I've learned this year is that I can't do this on my own. In the past I've soldiered on, me against the world fighting to survive. Well not anymore. Now I ask for help. I've emailed friends, colleagues and clients asking for work or to keep me in mind. Begging but trying not to appear desperate as that always has the kiss of death.
So this week I had an interview and a positive response. I've swallowed my pride and I'm starting again because pride does not pay the bills. The interview went well and they want me to do some freelance work to see how things go. That's encouraging and I am trying not to count my chickens. I also picked up a small freelance project doing some work for friends so it's one day at a cheery time.
I'm off to New York this week for a meeting with a publisher but the fact is that my product line is going to be a part time thing after this week as Pig needs to have her medication and weekly vet bills paid for, and I might need to eat occasionally!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Public Transport LA Style
It's true what they say about LA - there is no public transport. That is unless you brave the Metro which is precisely what I did tonight. I live in Venice and was going downtown with a friend to the Artwalk. Her suggestion - let's take the Metro. I was game so off we went.
Except I left my house at 3:30pm, drove to her house 15 minutes away. Then we drove from her house to the Metro station (probably another 10 minutes,) parked the car and eventually managed to buy tickets (a very confusing system.) Then on one train (the green line) then changed to the blue line then changed to the red line. We finally made it to downtown an hour and a half later. Funnily enough the drive from Venice on one freeway takes between 20 and 30 minutes but then you have the cost of petrol and parking compared to the $5 it cost for the Metro.
And we did see a blind man take his glass eye out which you don't get in your car. I loved his wit but then he started begging for money and the moment was gone.
The art (of course) was self indulgent and very dubious but we found a nice bistro and enjoyed a glass of wine and slivers of cheese. We talked about recent emotional events (we have a lot in common) and after a surprisingly pleasant evening, we took the Metro back to her car, it was quicker on the way back, only an hour and so by 9:30 I was home, feeding my Pig and getting ready for bed (I tend to keep East Coast hours and was up at 5:30 this morning.)
All in all, I'm surviving. It's still one day at a time but with each day that passes I feel more resolved that this is the right thing, that C and I could not be together and while I fantasize about him coming back and admitting his mistake, I constantly repeat my new mantra - based on what I now know, would I want him back? My answer - NO!!
On another topic, I'm heading back to NY for a meeting on October 22nd. I have a lot to do (like reinvent my brand again) but I've made some excellent progress this week including a rewritten manuscript for a story about C and his dog. It's an incredibly moving story, I sobbed as I wrote it and I can't be trusted not to reread it just for a bit of self inflicted misery! Seriously, it's that good (but then I'm biased.) Originally I was writing it as my farewell to C and to be honest, there's part of me that hopes it will make him realise what he's lost. Of course I hope that, I'm only human but I'm also very proud of this story - I've rewritten it five times in the past few weeks and I've channeled my pain into it.
And so to bed. Pig is stretched out on the floor exuding a lovely old doggy smell which I'm sure would put off potential suitors if there were any (quel surprise, there aren't) but I'm ready to sleep and I think that might even be on the cards tonight!
Except I left my house at 3:30pm, drove to her house 15 minutes away. Then we drove from her house to the Metro station (probably another 10 minutes,) parked the car and eventually managed to buy tickets (a very confusing system.) Then on one train (the green line) then changed to the blue line then changed to the red line. We finally made it to downtown an hour and a half later. Funnily enough the drive from Venice on one freeway takes between 20 and 30 minutes but then you have the cost of petrol and parking compared to the $5 it cost for the Metro.
And we did see a blind man take his glass eye out which you don't get in your car. I loved his wit but then he started begging for money and the moment was gone.
The art (of course) was self indulgent and very dubious but we found a nice bistro and enjoyed a glass of wine and slivers of cheese. We talked about recent emotional events (we have a lot in common) and after a surprisingly pleasant evening, we took the Metro back to her car, it was quicker on the way back, only an hour and so by 9:30 I was home, feeding my Pig and getting ready for bed (I tend to keep East Coast hours and was up at 5:30 this morning.)
All in all, I'm surviving. It's still one day at a time but with each day that passes I feel more resolved that this is the right thing, that C and I could not be together and while I fantasize about him coming back and admitting his mistake, I constantly repeat my new mantra - based on what I now know, would I want him back? My answer - NO!!
On another topic, I'm heading back to NY for a meeting on October 22nd. I have a lot to do (like reinvent my brand again) but I've made some excellent progress this week including a rewritten manuscript for a story about C and his dog. It's an incredibly moving story, I sobbed as I wrote it and I can't be trusted not to reread it just for a bit of self inflicted misery! Seriously, it's that good (but then I'm biased.) Originally I was writing it as my farewell to C and to be honest, there's part of me that hopes it will make him realise what he's lost. Of course I hope that, I'm only human but I'm also very proud of this story - I've rewritten it five times in the past few weeks and I've channeled my pain into it.
And so to bed. Pig is stretched out on the floor exuding a lovely old doggy smell which I'm sure would put off potential suitors if there were any (quel surprise, there aren't) but I'm ready to sleep and I think that might even be on the cards tonight!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Everything happens for a reason
I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since C called me. From disbelief, great sadness, heartache, physical pain and nausea, unable to sleep, unable to eat. I've found out things about our relationship which have threatened to spoil the memories of what we had and today has been no exception, another difficult day with pain and heartache except that I think, I hope that I'm starting to change.
I went for a bike ride this evening and looked at the ocean. I locked my bike and walked down to the water. I cried for what we had and what we have lost but then I realised that C had come into my life for a reason and while I may be the latest casualty in a long line of women who have tried to love him, I am stronger for the life I have shared with him.
Everything points to my work. C came into my life to encourage me to change, to see the possibilities and to have the confidence and drive to follow my dream. Everything that has happened in the last year has pointed to the fact that I need to be doing this.
I tried getting a job, and I was fired. When I went away sailing with C, I knew I had to be doing my own work, that I needed my own passion. C has had his business, he's succeeded in that and he's earned his freedom. I'm yet to do that.
While the pain is certainly not over and I am still hurting, I am trying to see this from a different perspective. I came into C's life to help him through his divorce so maybe he came into my life to help me find my direction. I am starting to understand that this is the feeling of gratitude I was meant to feel when I spoke to the astrologist last year. She said to me that I needed to approach my relationship from a place of gratitude and maybe, I'm finally starting to understand that.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I resolved the issues I had with my family and I'm starting to rebuild my sense of self. It's been a difficult year as I haven't embraced the change up until now because it's been painful and my fear of the unknown has been terrifying but hopefully I'm starting to see that all these things are happening because I need to change. To stop making the same mistakes and to finally change my patterns.
I went for a bike ride this evening and looked at the ocean. I locked my bike and walked down to the water. I cried for what we had and what we have lost but then I realised that C had come into my life for a reason and while I may be the latest casualty in a long line of women who have tried to love him, I am stronger for the life I have shared with him.
Everything points to my work. C came into my life to encourage me to change, to see the possibilities and to have the confidence and drive to follow my dream. Everything that has happened in the last year has pointed to the fact that I need to be doing this.
I tried getting a job, and I was fired. When I went away sailing with C, I knew I had to be doing my own work, that I needed my own passion. C has had his business, he's succeeded in that and he's earned his freedom. I'm yet to do that.
While the pain is certainly not over and I am still hurting, I am trying to see this from a different perspective. I came into C's life to help him through his divorce so maybe he came into my life to help me find my direction. I am starting to understand that this is the feeling of gratitude I was meant to feel when I spoke to the astrologist last year. She said to me that I needed to approach my relationship from a place of gratitude and maybe, I'm finally starting to understand that.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I resolved the issues I had with my family and I'm starting to rebuild my sense of self. It's been a difficult year as I haven't embraced the change up until now because it's been painful and my fear of the unknown has been terrifying but hopefully I'm starting to see that all these things are happening because I need to change. To stop making the same mistakes and to finally change my patterns.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A Revelation (to me at least)
The past couple of days have been a huge revelation as I have come to think that I am codependent. This is a summary as I'm trying to get my thoughts straight...
Last week my six year relationship ended. It had been dying for a while but my boyfriend called me and told me he had met someone else. I had been hanging on for months hoping we could resolve things and find our way through a hard time.
On the surface he's the perfect man. Tall, rich and incredibly good looking and we were very compatible. I thought we would be together forever and I've been struggling through the pain. Yesterday I found a book called "Men Who Can't Love" and read it from cover to cover. I realized that my partner was commitmentphobic.
We met when he was going through a very bad divorce and I allowed myself to get drawn into his situation. I took on a lot of the divorce, I even helped him with the paperwork. After the divorce things were better. We traveled a lot and I put my career on hold, left my dog with friends for long periods of time in order to be able to travel extensively and generally lost my sense of self. I stopped working and allowed him to support me which made me totally dependent on him. He convinced me it was something I wanted as I hadn't been happy doing the work I was doing.
About three years ago I left him and came home. I collected my dog and started working in a new field. A couple of months later he followed me back and we stayed together.
We started spending more time apart, traveling separately but I was doing everything I could to regain my independence - as I believed it would bring him back to me and everything would be ok again. Things finally came to a head earlier this year when he bought a house on the other side of the country from where we live. He told me it was a holiday home for his family and I tried to believe it but eventually he went there and I stayed at home working.
We stayed in contact and I did everything to try and reconcile with him. I told him I loved him and wanted to work through this. I took all the blame, it was my fault things had gone wrong.
Three weeks ago we were still talking about getting together to talk about our future. Then a week ago he called me and told me he'd met someone else. I asked if there was anything I could do or say and he said no.
I have cut all contact, deleted numbers, emails and removed belongings so I feel I've done something right but it is very painful. It's a week tomorrow since he called and I haven't made any attempt to contact him. I've stayed off his blog.
Last night I found a journal I'd kept when we first met. Back then I knew things were wrong and I was going to end the relationship after a couple of months - I had recognized the signs. It's SIX years later and the relationship only ended a week ago. What happened?
I suppose what I'm left with is the feeling that if he has a fear of commitment and I'm codependent, I made so many compromises to make it work that I would have done anything to be with him.
I do not ever want this to happen again. I've had issues in the past and I lose my sense of self completely, I thought he was more important than me and I allowed myself to become a victim.
So now I have a challenge on my hands. It's too late for C and I, he's gone and if I'm a rational, he was never going to make a commitment to me, he couldn't tell me he loved me and I was desperately trying to hold on to him. I should have let him go a long time ago or never made the compromises in the first place. Hindsight hey?
I suppose at least I'm having a wake-up call now so I can do something about it. Better late than never I hope.
Learning from my mistakes
Last night I was started reading a book called "Men Who Can't Love." It is like reading about my relationship with C from confused start to bitter end. It is clear that he has commitment-issues and the lessons I'm learning will be ones to stay with me going into the future.
The other thing I found last night was a journal from the first few months C and I were together. I'm absolutely shocked reading it at how I let him treat me, how manic it all was. I constantly describe it as an emotional rollercoaster and what's really telling, I wanted to end things within two months of meeting him. Oh baby trust your instincts from now on. Don't allow someone to take over your life and always, retain your self of self.
At some point I might add those journal entries here so that I have them in a place where I can find them easily. I promise this to myself - I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way I was treated again.
I helped C through his divorce when we first met. He was in a terrible state and was also leaving his job as the company had been sold. Don't get me wrong, he owned the company and had made a lot of money. His ex-wife knew how to hurt him and was going for the money and he couldn't bear the thought of losing it. He was unreliable, drinking excessively, and behaving like a wounded animal.
I think I did a great job of helping him heal. He's in a much better place today than he was six years ago and in the process I put a lot of my own wants, needs and desires on hold. He has moved on, met someone else and perhaps this will be a good relationship for him now as I have helped him so much. But so what? Now my focus has to be me and as I move on from this, I take pride in my resilience and know that I WILL be ok. I have a long way to go and I still feel sick about things (physically nauseous when I think about him with someone else because I do still love him) but he was never going to commit to me in any way, he couldn't say he loved me and after six years, that's very sad.
It may take a while before I meet someone I'm attracted to. C is a very good looking man and a hard act to follow from a material standpoint. He's 6'4", blue eyes, tanned skin, salt and pepper hair. He has a boat, a collection of exotic cars, a house in Florida and a lot of money.
And I never have felt SO POOR as during the years I've been with him. He is so tight with his money unless it's something he wants for himself. During the 6 years we spent together I lived at the same level I had prior to meeting him, I still drive the same salvaged Beetle I drove when we met (he owns three cars worth over $100,000 each). While I may sound like a gold digger what I'm trying to say is that he never treated me as an equal. It wasn't that I wanted him to buy me a new car or a house but I wanted us to be a partnership, that he would want to treat me the way that he treated himself and that he would love me so much he would want to share his possessions.
This is such a good lesson that if I don't learn from this, if I make the same mistakes again then I get what I truly deserve. My promise to myself - don't ever let this happen again.
My love to me.
The other thing I found last night was a journal from the first few months C and I were together. I'm absolutely shocked reading it at how I let him treat me, how manic it all was. I constantly describe it as an emotional rollercoaster and what's really telling, I wanted to end things within two months of meeting him. Oh baby trust your instincts from now on. Don't allow someone to take over your life and always, retain your self of self.
At some point I might add those journal entries here so that I have them in a place where I can find them easily. I promise this to myself - I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way I was treated again.
I helped C through his divorce when we first met. He was in a terrible state and was also leaving his job as the company had been sold. Don't get me wrong, he owned the company and had made a lot of money. His ex-wife knew how to hurt him and was going for the money and he couldn't bear the thought of losing it. He was unreliable, drinking excessively, and behaving like a wounded animal.
I think I did a great job of helping him heal. He's in a much better place today than he was six years ago and in the process I put a lot of my own wants, needs and desires on hold. He has moved on, met someone else and perhaps this will be a good relationship for him now as I have helped him so much. But so what? Now my focus has to be me and as I move on from this, I take pride in my resilience and know that I WILL be ok. I have a long way to go and I still feel sick about things (physically nauseous when I think about him with someone else because I do still love him) but he was never going to commit to me in any way, he couldn't say he loved me and after six years, that's very sad.
It may take a while before I meet someone I'm attracted to. C is a very good looking man and a hard act to follow from a material standpoint. He's 6'4", blue eyes, tanned skin, salt and pepper hair. He has a boat, a collection of exotic cars, a house in Florida and a lot of money.
And I never have felt SO POOR as during the years I've been with him. He is so tight with his money unless it's something he wants for himself. During the 6 years we spent together I lived at the same level I had prior to meeting him, I still drive the same salvaged Beetle I drove when we met (he owns three cars worth over $100,000 each). While I may sound like a gold digger what I'm trying to say is that he never treated me as an equal. It wasn't that I wanted him to buy me a new car or a house but I wanted us to be a partnership, that he would want to treat me the way that he treated himself and that he would love me so much he would want to share his possessions.
This is such a good lesson that if I don't learn from this, if I make the same mistakes again then I get what I truly deserve. My promise to myself - don't ever let this happen again.
My love to me.
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