Self indulgent drama queen

I've realised that one of my favourite bloggers is, in fact, a self-indulgent drama queen.

I followed her story through infertility, problems in her relationship, her terribly traumatic birth story which went on and on, her longed-for daughter not fulfilling her dreams, ongoing sleep stories about the baby not sleeping and now finally, the break up of her relationship which promises to keep her going for a long time to come.

I read the blog post and wondered how her partner felt. She got the baby she'd wanted, she'd moaned continually for a year and I assume the poor man had had enough.

I feel there is a lesson in this for me. I have been self-indulgent in my misery. My relationship issues, my unemployment, the health problems of the pig; it's all been fodder for my own personal dramas. I feel there's a tiny chink of light at the end of what has felt like a very long, dark tunnel. The last few months have been one of the worst periods of depression I've been through and I feel I am slowly and very cautiously starting to poke my head out of my shell. As one horoscope said "You're not out of the woods yet" true, but there's nothing wrong with a tentative, hesitant baby step out into the world.

I have withdrawn from almost everyone during this time. I have been in seclusion and while it may seem extreme it's been the right thing to do. I needed to stop talking to people who weren't supportive about my personal life. My family has stood by me and I feel a closeness to them which wasn't there before.

Today I decided to give myself six months in which to make a move out of Los Angeles. I've been struggling to know where to go but the reality is if I want to leave then I need to make that decision and if I can't make the decision then the problem is me.

Enough

In the past week I've started to emerge from this period of darkness. I told C that I loved him, that I wanted to be in his life and I wanted to go to Key West. I asked him to tell me what he wanted and I said that I wasn't even sure if I was welcome in Key West.

There was a pause and he said very quietly, "You are."

From a man who is completely unable to express his feelings, this was quite big.

However, in the following conversations, he made it very clear that he is incredibly stressed in Key West, he can't get a construction schedule, he needs to come to LA and he would prefer if I could hold off going to Key West.

This is classic C. He does what he wants to and so I told him.

As I am in a new phase, the "I'm taking control of my life" phase, I want answers. I've asked him what he wants. I told him I wouldn't make him out to be a bad guy, I would just be really, really sad that we couldn't make our lives work together.

To be honest I'm sick of being in limbo, I'm tired of having an unresolved situation and I want to get on with my life. I'm open to moving forward but if that's not an option then I need to know.

In the meantime I'm organizing my websites, I'm sending out submission packages and I need to write an exciting new resume. I dislike resume writing intensely but it's a necessary evil.

On a positive note, Pig has had a haircut and it seems to have given her a whole new lease of life. From being at death's door a few months ago, she seems to be back to her normal, lively self. The patch of stubble on her back is now blended into her shorter fur... only problem is, she's now sporting a little back mullet!