I'm focusing on staying busy (or at least trying to) but the nights are bad. As soon as my head hits the pillow I hear C's voice repeating his news. I run over things again and again, how could I have been different? why didn't it work? why didn't he want to try again? but there's no answer and no solution.
The pain is back and it's bad. I try not to cry outside the house and I'm doing a fair job of getting by but it hurts and I worry that there won't be anyone else I love.
I feel so empty inside.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
the end and the beginning
After six months apart, C rang me yesterday and told me that he has met someone else. A week ago. Twelve days ago we were still talking about reaching a resolution (and in my mind, a reconciliation) so it came as a shock that after a week, he's decided that's it. I asked if there was anything I could do or say and he said no. I said I'd hoped we would find our way back to each other, that we could have sat down and talked things through but when it comes down to it, that's the end and there's nothing more to say.
I've moved (or am trying to move) into self-preservation. No contact whatsoever including blogs, email, skype and so on. It's over and the sooner I can draw a line under it and move on, the better.
I'm hopeful that what I went through earlier in the year will help me through this step. I've already been through the break up and the pain, I just hadn't wanted to accept it as final. Now it is.
I am concerned about my financial stability but I am so committed to continuing with my work. My first toys are in the stores, I'm working like mad to get more products developed, I'm updating the website constantly and talking to PR firms. I'm buggered if the fact that C is about to pull the plug on me financially will cause my work to stop or even fail. And what's more, I've written my bio for five years from now and I've added an addendum that I paid C $50,000 for his contribution to my business. That is what I want to be able to do and from a place where it's easy, I'll have so much money that $50K will be small change!
Oh, fantasy become a reality!
I've moved (or am trying to move) into self-preservation. No contact whatsoever including blogs, email, skype and so on. It's over and the sooner I can draw a line under it and move on, the better.
I'm hopeful that what I went through earlier in the year will help me through this step. I've already been through the break up and the pain, I just hadn't wanted to accept it as final. Now it is.
I am concerned about my financial stability but I am so committed to continuing with my work. My first toys are in the stores, I'm working like mad to get more products developed, I'm updating the website constantly and talking to PR firms. I'm buggered if the fact that C is about to pull the plug on me financially will cause my work to stop or even fail. And what's more, I've written my bio for five years from now and I've added an addendum that I paid C $50,000 for his contribution to my business. That is what I want to be able to do and from a place where it's easy, I'll have so much money that $50K will be small change!
Oh, fantasy become a reality!
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