It's been several months since I wrote and on one hand things have progressed and yet, I feel as though I've regressed in other areas. I'm having so many misunderstandings with people that I feel at the rate I'm going there will be very few people left who have any desire to celebrate my birthday with me.
On the work front things are slow, scarily so and I'm constantly worrying about money. If I don't get paying work soon I think I can survive for about four months (at my current state) and then in August I should have $10,000 from a CD so that should get me to the end of the year roughly. After that I don't like to think what might happen. I know my parents will help me but honestly, to be rapidly approaching 40 and having to ask one's parents for help, it's really not where I thought I'd be.
Career-wise things have been challenging. I keep sending out submissions and they disappear into the void of the universe although to be honest that's not entirely true. This week I contacted a gift company who have responded to my work, I sent them a submission of Holiday designs and this afternoon I had a positive response to my submission to a fabric company. I just need something to come in and I'll feel a lot more secure.
And so to my poor broken heart. Well, still fairly well broken to be honest. I know I need to let go of the past and move on but I'm finding it very hard to do. Today I had to send an email because I'm unable to access my business websites which are hosted on his server - perhaps the lesson is that I need to move them so I have total control. Perhaps. I really want to move on, I do. I'm tired of the pain of the last year, I'm tired of not getting on with people, struggling to make ends meet, waiting for the next issue to arise. I have seriously had enough.
On a marginally more positive note, I'm looking after myself extremely well. No alcohol for three weeks now, a vegetarian gluten-free diet to see if I can get my allergies under control. Evenings walks to the beach as I try to clear my head. I feel I'm doing it all but I just can't seem to get out of the rut.
It's strange really because the work I've done recently (over the past 9 months I suppose) has been fantastic. The job where I was fired last year has actually helped me get a better sense of the surface design world and generally I have tried to stay positive, believe in what I'm doing, not take anything personally and so on. Not that you'd know from reading this but that's been my intention. Anyway, I'm back and I intend to keep writing and hopefully, eventually this won't be the blog of doom anymore. I really, really hope so because this is shit otherwise.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
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